Once upon a time there was a goldfish named Cuntly. Cuntly the Goldfish lived in a far away land, which is to say she lived in a far away land compared to you or me; the near-constant commuting involved if Cuntly the Goldfish lived in a land far away from where she lived would prove too expensive, and wasteful, even for those notorious squanderbugs that are goldfish. Although the 'you' of 'you and me' is predominantly Anglo-American, there are a couple of Johnny Foriners, which means that Cuntly the Goldfish is resigned to live somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Goldfish, as well you know, are freshwater fish; the salt in sea water would draw out all the moisture within them, causing them to be wrinkled, dehydrated, probably dead, and definitely over-seasoned. Luckily a kindly old sailor had rigged up goldfish bowls on floating platforms, all linked together with an intricate array of ropes and pulleys. (The story of this can be read in 'A Kindly Old Sailor Catches Cuntly The Goldfish After She Is Accidentally Dropped Out Of A Plane, And Then Rigs Up Goldfish Bowls For Her And Her Family On Floating Platforms All Linked Together With An Intricate Array Of Ropes And Pulleys' available from all good bookshops, and many shitty ones too).
Cuntly the Goldfish lived in these bowls floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with her mummy, daddy, and slightly retarded older brother Bob. Bob used to dislike Cuntly until Cuntly saved his life (read all about that in 'Cuntly The Goldfish Saves Bob's Life But, If You Believe In Chaos Theory, This Caused The Wings Of Eight Butterflies To Stop Beating In China. This Tears Cuntly Apart With Guilt And She Subsequently Spends Many Years In Therapy Until She Finally Realises It's A Lot Easier To Blame Someone Else'), but now they are the best of friends. Cuntly and Bob decided to pay a visit to their old friend Waffleiron the Clam, so they asked mummy to unhitch them from the other bowls in time to catch the morning tide. Daddy gave them extra fish flakes for the long journey. Everyone kissed everyone goodbye, which invited a couple of strange looks from passing halibut when Cuntly and Bob appeared to kiss each other for a little too long, especially as they were heading off together anyway, and thus had no reason to kiss each other goodbye; but this was soon forgotten as the tide took hold and Cuntly and Bob began to float towards Waffleiron's house, waving goodbye to mummy and daddy as they went.
The journey was spent as you might expect: Cuntly catches up on her reading of 'One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisofish', and Bob listens to his CD - 'Plaiceland' by Paul Simon. (Y'know, I love atrocious puns. I'm gonna have to do more). Very few interesting things happened on the journey, with those that did occur being fully explained in 'Cuntly The Goldfish Realises The Futility Of Existence And Is About To Go On A Killing Spree Before A Kindly Old Paedophile Befriends Her And Gives Her Life Meaning Again'. When Cuntly and Bob arrived at Waffleiron the Clam's house, all their old friends were there: Inflamedbite the Lobster, Missionimpossibletwosoundtrack the Barnacle, and Nigel the Social Outcast. Cuntly and Bob had floated right into a rip-roaring party! They could hardly believe their luck. They felt a little bad that they hadn't brought a bottle of anything along for the party, but by the time Cuntly and Bob arrived, everyone was already so drunk on oyster sauce that no-one really minded.
After many hours of drunken debauchery and meaningless sex with wholly unsuitable people and fish, Cuntly and Bob had to leave: there were only two tides a day heading home, and their parents would be sorely worried if they were gone for too long. They said their goodbyes to everyone who was still conscious and set themselves adrift into the wide open sea. But who was this asleep at the bottom of Bob's bowl? Why, if it wasn't Pulledshouldermuscle, the most beautiful seahorse the world had ever seen! Cuntly looked over to Bob, who had a gormless grin on his face, but more so than usual. She asked Bob what he was planning to do with Pulledshouldermuscle once they got home. Bob, as is his wont, didn't rightly know what to do with this beautiful seahorse to whom he had become so attached, semi-literally. The details of their adventure home, and subsequent problems can be read in 'Cuntly The Goldfish Performs A Home Abortion After Her SlightlyRetarded Older Brother Gets A Seahorse Pregnant.'