I've decided to pull myself out of the shitpit with white eyes blazing and
get myself an ambition. Aim high, for if you fall you'll die instantly and
painlessly; you don't want to fall from a medium height and lie a twitching
pulp who would scream to inform others of the pain you're in, but your vocal
cords have been severed by your spine smashing through your throat, and then
shattering on the hard floor below. I want to live on the sun.
It's fire y'know. A big ball of fire. Anyone who's ever tried camping in a
lit fireplace when they were children will appreciate the troubles that I'm
going to have to overcome to achieve my ambition. Water would be high on the
list of priorities. Scientists recently found traces of water on the sun,
indicating the possibility of life on the sun once, but it quickly
evaporated, along with whatever maybe once lived there. I'm gonna have to
take lots and lots of water to douse my house with it constantly. Some form
of automatic house douser seems to be called for. Better invent one.
Oh cripes. How much water is the right amount? With too little it's gonna be
sweltering in the shade, with too much I might put the sun out, neither are
acceptable options. Oh this is too hard; I'm giving up. ...No. No, I'm not
giving up. I'm sticking to it. It's my ambition. If I wanted it to be easy
I'd make my ambition a bored slut. I shall live on the sun, I shall I shall
I shall. I suppose a big pipeline from earth to the sun (insulated against
freezing for most of the journey, self-dousing as it approaches the sun) is
the best way to avoid the risk of putting the sun out. I wonder if NASA will
shoot a dead Russian space dog off towards the sun for me the next time they
pop up there? Control. Next time a soggy dead Russian space dog, and then a
soggier one. With three calculations I should be able to work out how much
water I need. Y'know, I bet there's not enough water on the whole of this
crazy planet we call Bob to keep my house on the sun doused for more than a
second. Some form of water creation on a grand scale seems to be called for.
Sounds a little tricky to invent, still, better keep plugging away at it.
I'm sure there must be an answer. What'd be the point if there wasn't?
I wonder... the corona is hotter than the sun itself, right? I wonder if it
gets cooler the closer to the middle you get. Maybe it's perfectly cool
inside, maybe the fiery dangerous bit is just to keep unwanted visitors
away. Ooh, maybe under the fire there's a layer of meringue, and then ice
cream under that. Ooh I'm getting all excited. Better take a spoon. Oh
this'll be great. As soon as I sort out the water thing, and I suppose work
out some way to make fire, meringue or ice cream a strong enough foundation
for a house, I'll be off. Excitement! Wow. Ooh this'll be the best. Oh I'm
so so happy. See? I'm smiling.