What's
been going on in world news since I last bothered you with my
presence? ...By world news, I of course mean American and English
news, and English news is only there cos that is where I lay my
hat. America first, as is the legal requirement: some kid was
reunited with his father at gunpoint. Rule one in my life is that
there is immeasurable truth to be found in the works of Monty
Python and The Kids In The Hall if you are willing to believe.
(The 'Kids' may be Canadian, but that counts as America, doesn't
it?) Quote KitH: "Would you like to live with your mother?
(pick me, pick me) Or your father? (pick her, pick her) Or with
this glamorous movie star?" Tom and Nicole should have
forced their way in at the earliest stages. All the fuss and
hassle would have been avoided and the Good Ol' USA of America
could get back to its fascistic trade embargoes of Cuba whilst
happily dealing with China like a mufukker. (Not that Fid's Cuba
is perfect, or Jiang's China is evil, but a bit of parity would
be appreciated; mention all the torture and oppression an' all
that, then let big business sweep in and kill the people).
I
have a huge, huge problem. I also have a problem with people
using people - whether they be children or just stupid people -
for any means when said people have not yet reached the age of
reason. (The age of reason isn't a number, rather it is a state
of mind). Kissing babies is wrong, getting little girls to give
you flowers is wrong, going on Richard and Judy (America's
equivalent would be Regis and Kathy-Lee, I believe) to get people
to vote you into Number 10 is wrong. Using a child to get Clinton
(another person below the age of reason) to invade Cuba, and
provide the air cover that JF Fuckin' K refused to, is wrong.
Most importantly, being either Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman is
just plain, plain wrong. I shed a tear.
Now
England. Election for Lord Mayor of London, which I only care
about cos my Ken/Che pastiche t-shirt is gonna seem wanky once he
wins. Job losses at Rover/BMW. But most importantly to everyone
in England, some kid was reunited with his father at gunpoint.
Yes, yes, yes. Little Elian is all the world cares about. I dunno
if Bush or Gore have decided on running mates (I wouldn't mind
boning that South African 800m runner, arf arf) but if either of
them could swing it so Elian was in their corner, they would have
it all sewn up. (Is Perot buying again, or is he getting Hulk
Hogan to run for him? There's been nothing in the papers about
it, just photos of masked men with guns and little boys with
longer hair). It used to be said, mainly by me, that a plane
crash only became a tragedy once British/American/Wherever You
Come From people died on it. Now people's deaths are only
tragedies if Elian dies too. "All those people died on that
boat." "Yes, but Elian survived. Praise Jesus."
Thank ___ that Elian had never been to Uganda or we would have
had to read all about all those deaths too. Fortuitously he
hadn't, and so we could skim past that little piece on page 16
and get to the sports pages. Both the New York Yankees and
Manchester United are rumoured to be bidding for Elian's
signature. The rest of the world bids for his soul. Biting eh?
Biting.
Now
the funny stuff: My one-legged wife, Eileen, has nipples. I like
nipples.