Have you heard, dear deaf people, of the new fire extinguisher on the market? Its claim is that it can squilch 79% of all known fires. Pretty fucking impressive huh? There's a deluxe model that will moider 80% of fires, for just an extra $8,000. That's the only allowed currency, I'm afraid - something about needing half a million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills. As you could probably guess, I didn't take in all the details of aforementioned fire extinguishers; I'm unsure as to whether they're capable of crushing between their watery fingers the 80% of least fierce fires - candles, fierce gnashing of teeth and so forth - or whether the extinguishers only work four fifths of the time. It must be the latter, or I'd be wasting my time telling you about them.
Buy two extinguishers and you're safe 96% of the time, buy three and 99.2% of all fires are vanish-ed. Also, what are the odds that that last 0.8% are the rare forest fires, and instances of spontaneous human combustion? It's fat, drunk people. I saw a programme on it. Ahhhh, happy day. If you don't pony up for the extra per cent, do the math(s) yourself; I don't have a calculator with me, and I don't have the inclination to work it out just for you cheap bastards. There's a little girl's life depending on it, and you won't pay the extra bucks? Heartless. I'd like to rip out your black heart and hold it in front of your best friend's face (which is still a pile of goo, ever since he got back from 'Nam) before you die from being heartless. Yeah.
So why am I telling you all this? Isn't it obvious? I'm looking out for you. Most people, when given the option of burning alive or not burning alive will choose the latter. The only exception that comes to mind is that Tibetan monk who was trying to make a point about something or other. Being the sweet, kind-hearted, fleet-footed, over-anxious, under-nourished, side-spliced, upside-down-caked, person that I am, I don't want any of you to burn painfully. Not before your time, anyway. When the time comes for you to burn painfully, then I fully support fate, and all its synonymous representations, and I'll be there with the sausages and charcoal briquettes to make efficient use of your excess energy. Fat bitch.
Ummm... it's not much, but it'll do for now. Big up to big Ivanhoe for his first goal of the season. Roll on Monday, roll off ferry.