You won't have heard anything about it on the news because it's not true, but the Indian Ocean burned down last night.
It all started when a dog buried some flares thinking they were sticks or bones or shit, and then the flares were lit somehow or other, and to put the fire out some people pushed something into the sea, which happened to be nearby, but the flares were inside whatever it was that was pushed in because the dog had buried them there, and the flares were those flamey ones that burn even when wet, so they carried on burning even though they were in water, and then all the salt in the ocean caught on fire, because apparently salt can burn when you set light to it and aren't telling the truth, and the water couldn't put the burning salt and flares out because the flares kept on burning and the salt kept on burning and kept evaporating the water and setting light to the rest of the salt, which apparently can burn when you set light to it and aren't telling the truth, and that should have set light to all the other salty oceans and seas in the world, but for some reason it didn't because otherwise we'd have heard about there being no oceans left because they'd all burned down, because apparently the salt in oceans can burn when you set light to it and aren't telling the truth, and all the burned down oceans would be on the news if they'd burned down, but they weren't, so they didn't, but I don't know why they didn't burn down, but I might hazard a guess a little later, and the reason the Indian Ocean burning down wasn't on the news is because it's not true, but I'm pretending it is true, even though I've said it isn't true more times than I've said it is true, although I suppose I've implied that it is true with everything I've said in between the bits where I've said it isn't true, so I suppose I'd better say again in case anyone is worried that it is true that it isn't true, and that the Indian Ocean hasn't burned down, but now I need to think of some reason why the Indian Ocean did burn down (it didn't) but the rest of the oceans didn't, even though they're connected to the Indian Ocean and salt burns when you set light to it and aren't telling the truth, and I'm buggered if I can think of a good reason why the Indian Ocean would burn down and all the others wouldn't, but I'm sure there must be one somewhere, because it doesn't have to be true, because the Indian Ocean didn't burn down, and salt doesn't burn if you set light to it unless you're not telling the truth, so if I don't tell the truth there must be some reason why the Indian Ocean didn't burn down but did and all the other oceans didn't burn down and didn't, and I'm thinking, thinking, thinking what it might be, and I can't think of it, but I think it might have something to do with a big fire door, a very big fire door, or perhaps lots of fire doors all next to each other, somewhere out in the ocean where no-one ever goes, so that's why no-one's ever seen them, but they were put there by God or the government for just such an emergency as this, and if they did, then it paid off, and we should thank them with sacrifices or a nice card, but if it wasn't them we probably shouldn't thank them with sacrifices or a nice card because it would cause terrible social awkwardness and we wouldn't know what to do around God or the government and they'd not know what to do around us, and we'd be too embarrassed to invite them to our dinner parties, but too embarrassed not to invite them, and they'd feel the same, and we'd both come to the conclusion that we'd be better off never ever holding dinner parties again, and you haven't lived until you've had God's iced salad, or the government's chicken thing with the sauce, so we probably don't want to go wholeheartedly with the fire door theorem until we have proof, (a- ha-ha-ha, God and the government and proof, a-ha-ha-ha, fnar fnar, snicker snicker, oh we are so funny) so we're best off looking for something else as our explanation, because we still don't have a reasonable explanation for why the oceans of the world didn't burn down when the Indian Ocean did burn down, even though it didn't in case you're worried it did, and we don't have an explanation that we can use that doesn't have the possibility of causing social awkwardness, so, as I said, we're rummaging around for a new one, and I'm pluralising myself all over the place, and leaving such terrible stains (a-ha-ha-ha, making a non-rude word sound rude, a-ha-ha-ha, fnar, fnar, snicker snicker, oh we are so funny), so the explanation for the oceans not burning down when the Indian Ocean did didn't burn down is that the rest of the world's oceans aren't as salty as the Indian Ocean, which isn't true either, but if we've said that salt burns when you set light to it and don't tell the truth, why shouldn't we or I lie and say that the rest of the world's oceans aren't as salty as the Indian Ocean, and mention something about chip pan fires being caused by all the salt in chips, even though people tend to put salt on chips after they've been fried, unless they're fucking retards, but that can be the reason for chip pan fires, rather than oil that's too hot, and the flammable saltiness of the Indian Ocean can be because people in India eat more chips than in anywhere else in the world, but some Indian chip shops salt their chips before frying them, and some leave the salt off for the customers to add themselves, and there's no way of knowing whether the chips have been salted or not, and you're not allowed to answer questions if you work in an Indian chip shop for some reason or other that's just as untrue as everything else that's been said so far, and so if people find they've salted pre-salted chips and now got doubly salted chips, they don't eat them because they taste too salty and aren't good for them, so they throw them into the sea, which makes the Indian Ocean saltier than any other ocean in the world, and makes it more flammable than all the other oceans, because salt burns when you set light to it and aren't telling the truth, and that'll be why the Indian Ocean burned down yesterday, but none of the other oceans in the world did.
To the Victor, the spoils.