I get bored easily (so should you really). I don't drink tea. It's hard to choose between the two. Giving up tea would be easy, and I'd be glad to be shot of boredom, but I don't know what would fill its place. What if there's something worse than boredom? What if boredom is just a gateway to a big room full of all sorts of shiny things, patterns, eyes as far as the eye can see and dogs bigger than your stomach? What if this room has four doors to choose from (including the one back to boredom and no tea, even though the choice had been made), each with a teapot outside it, mug, sugar, milk for those who like, and the shiny things and patterns are some sort of clue as to which door to pick? How much time do I have to decode the shiny things and patterns? There's no clock, there's no-one glaring and tapping their feet, but what if I get to the end of the shiny patterned code and it says "All choices must be made within seven breaths or we'll pick the door for you, and we're going to not pick the one you would have wanted. Which one did you want by the way?"? What is behind the four doors? Is it worth trying to decode the patterns and the shiny things? What if they're just a decoy, what if they're supposed to keep me there until I die? What if there's nothing behind all the doors? What is behind the doors? Suppose they all lead to another room, but with more shiny things, more patterns, swirly things on sticks, and five doors? What then? What if the rooms go on and on, adding more and more to the code (but once I'd cracked the original code, the time taken should reduce from room to room, even with the addition of new factors), more and more doors? What if I get bored of solving the code, opening the doors, what if one shiny thing blurs into another and it all looks the same, but that's the choice I've made, tea and the rooms?
I pick boredom, I think. I get bored easily. I can live without tea. Other people want it though, they'll want me to make it, and I've chosen boredom. I'll open up the box and there won't be tea there. "I'm sorry, there isn't any tea: I chose boredom instead. We can sit here in silence and realise we have nothing in common if you'd like?" "Yes, I'd like that." "You're not supposed to like it." "I was being polite." "Please don't." "As you wish." "I can offer you some coffee." "I'd like that." "You're not supposed to like it." "Can I have some?" "Will you like it?" "Which answer will get me some coffee?" "The right one." "I pick the wrong one then." "Milk and sugar?" "Surprise me." "Boo." "I'm surprised." "I'm bored. I get bored easily." "It shows." "Kettle's boiling." "I didn't notice you putting it on." "I left it on when I didn't make the tea." "Won't it have boiled dry?" "Mostly." "I don't suppose you have any biscuits?" "I'll have to check." "Thanks." "I haven't checked yet." "But you will." "Say please then." "Please." "I have mayonnaise." "It doesn't really go with coffee." "You haven't got any coffee yet." "But I will." "Not if the kettle has boiled drier than previously anticipated." "Mayonnaise won't go with biscuits either." "I might not have biscuits." "Could you check please?" "As you wish." "Well?" "Do you want a spoon or a fork for your mayonnaise?" "It's thick enough for a fork?" "Depends on the fork." "What are you having?" "I'm not hungry." "Force yourself." "I'll never learn that way." "It shows." "I get bored easily." "You said." "Is the mayonnaise nice?" "Mmm, lovely thanks." "It's organic." "It's the best I've had." "Which is second?" "I'm not really sure." "Third?" "I couldn't say." "You're no help at all." "I'm sorry." "Yes. You should be." "Umm..." "You heard." "..." "..." "...Did you remember to take the kettle off the gas?" "I chose to leave it on." "But you topped it up again?" "To a degree."
It's the eyes and dogs who do best out of the deal, the eyes as far as the eye can see and the dogs as big as your stomach. The dogs eat the eyes. The dogs eat the dogs. The dogs eat the dogs, the dogs eat the dogs, the dogs eat the dogs, the dog eats the dog, the dog dies. They have no need for tea, for boredom. They have no fun, no love, just eyes and dogs, but it's all they want. More dog would be nice, but dog isn't a sustainable food source. As the last of the dog finally runs out, starvation takes hold, the shiny things catch in the throat, what little remains of tea paraphernalia has been spilled and licked up, the pain of tooth decay and lactose intolerance have passed, the weakness and pain of starvation push harder, and for one glorious moment, the dog picked right.