I once knew a man with three noses; he smelled wonderful, but I suspect that
was down to his deft use of aftershave rather than his physical deformity.
Every word of that sentence is a lie, let's look at them one at a time:
1) I. I? I who am I? I? What's I really? Who am I? Where am I? Why am I? What
am I? I? Let's leave that one for a while, it's a little too complicated. Or
all too simple.
2) Once. Once? What is once? This is word two, so it can't be once, it could be
twice, but then I'd have said twice instead of once. That'll be a lie that
will. This disproving shit is easy; I should have been a lawyer.
3) Knew. Knew? To know knew is to know the past tense of know. I was tense in
the past but now I'm not, and if I only knew then what I knew now I'd not have
subsequently learn what I know now cos I'd have already known it. Perhaps I'd
have learnt more in the same time that I learnt what I know now, but already
knew then in the alternate then, perhaps I wouldn't, who can say? I can only
live in one alternate universe at once without having to worry about whether or
not I'll implode so let's just take it as read that that's a lie. Lying's easy;
I should have been a lawyer - not that they lie for you, not unless you're rich
enough to pay them.
4) A. A? Well, it's a possibility but it's not very likely is it?
5) Man. Man? Oh fuck, I've gotta carry this on for another 18 or 21 words?
Well, another 13 or 16 words, but I didn't count properly, just looked at
groups of three as I carried on typing. Man eh? Man? Man eh? Man? Manet? I
don't know art, I don't know what I like, I do know all artists are delusional,
and delusions are lies, and he can't have been a man because he wore a dress
and had a vagina. I'm not one to judge or nuffink, but to call him a man would
be a lie. 5-0, or 4-1, either way it's a thumping victory and he lollipopped
him there, lollipopped him again, then viciously ate the commentators ears off.
6) With. With? How can we ever truly be with something when all it takes to be
without aforementioned thing is one grasping hand or one flaming baby or one
onion too many? It's more a philosophical wondering rather than a lie, and it's
not even a philosophical wondering, it's just further evidence that states are
transient, which is why you always see New York (the state) sleeping rough on
the streets of New York (the city with the hole).
7) Three. Three? Seven motherfucker.
8) Noses. Noses? My dog has no nose, but I have no dog, and if I did I'd make
sure I got one with a nose so he'd know if he smelled like shit and could be
suitably embarrassed and fuck off somewhere to blush so I didn't have to smell
his stinky dog arse. Noses? Noses? Who has noses? No-one has noses. People have
nose... well, people have noses, but person has nose, and if you look at the
other words you'll see that it's person not people, and person doesn't have
noses. The claim is that person has three (7) noses, but that's just a big lie,
which is the basis of my debunking the lie, and it's a lie so it's debunked.
9) He. He? We've already established he was a woman, so what's the big fucking
deal about establishing he's a she? I don't get what you're still going on
about this for: dress, vagina = she. I know there are options, but they're not
very likely, and if you're particularly worried, check its elasticity (vagina
not dress) and if you're still not sure, then it's either good enough to fool
you or ugly enough to put you off; hunker down or walk away.
10) Smelled. Smelled? This word is the truth. Solidpope truth. Not a word of a
lie in this word. Smelled all the way, just plain smelled. Smelled hangs out
with a bad crowd, turns bad, has its truth wrenched from it like a matchbox in
a lead pipe, becomes rotten to the core, becomes a lie, a little piece of its
mother dies every time it sees what it's become.
11) Wonderful. Wonderful? Full of wonder? Ooh look at me I'm full of wonder, no
room for anything else, nothing else in my life but wonder, no room for
breathing, no room for farting, no room for licking, no room for misplacing,
nothing here but us wonderchickens, not a fucking damn motherfucking thing
else. Man cannot survive on wonder alone, so man cannot be wonderful. Shove
your wonderful up your arse, liar.
12) But. But? Trying to cheat and change what you're saying now? Get-out
clause? Get out get-out clause. Has to be a lie just because it's sneaky little
bugger; I'd not trust it further than I can spit it, and although I can spit it
miles and miles because it's on a wire and actually gets carried for a long
long way, I'd not trust it a short way either. Has to be a lie. Won't stand up
in court, but is a lie, and we all know it and you can't argue with fundamental
accepted truth and if you don't accept it, me and Mr. Swiss Watch here will
make damn sure you do accept it. Cower.
13) Fuck, I recounted: it's 30, not 18 or 21. 30? I missed by that much? Fuck
this fucking shit. Well, let's just carry on until either you or I die,
whichever comes last, eh? I. I? See 1. Easy. Still not conclusive, but it's
getting convulsive which is only a few - 18 or 21 - letters off.
14) Suspect. Suspect? It's a verb, but in another time and place it could be a
noun, but here it's a verb and I don't know why I even bothered to tell you
that it could be a noun because you almost certainly know that and you almost
certainly wouldn't be impressed that I know the difference between a verb and a
noun - I do know the difference though, so that's good. That's another one
that's a lie just because I say so, and if you've got a problem with that then
you're just going to have to have a problem with that; far easier to just
accept that suspect is a lie.
15) That. That? Why not this? Why not indeed? Think on. (Lazy, but quick).
16) Was. Was? Why not this? Why not indeed? Think on. (Lazier, and a little
longer just because I thought for a second or so whether to bother thinking of
anything but then thought better of it, then typed this long bit on the end,
and now realise neither prove lies, but then again I don't suppose I've really
proved any lies apart from saying he wasn't a man and he didn't have noses, and
that's not proof, that's just asking you to accept my word for it, but I
suspect - that's not a lie; it's a versatile word - that it's easier for you to
accept that someone has one nose rather than more than one nose, regardless of
whether they're a man or a woman).
17) Down. Down? No no no, noses are up, always up. If they were down, bogies
wouldn't be able to fall from a great height and crush small, very very small,
smaller than bogie-sized, children. Different context of down, but that's just
being nit-picky and wanting words in the right place so sentences make sense.
Rearrange these words to make a sentence: rearrange these words to make a
sentence. Don't even think about changing the punctuation though.
18) To. To? Fair result is what they say when they should have lost. Lie!
Conclusive for once.
19) His. His? He's a fucking woman, can't you understand that? Story: Woman has
nose. Why must you persist with the he and the his? It's just not fair, it's
cruel, it's unjust and you are beyond the pale, really you are. It's pale, not
pail, right?
20) Deft. Deft? Pottery, potty, mad, mentally unstable, prone to delusion,
potential for lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, locked in. Not doing badly.
21) Use. Use? Don't care for this one at all, no desire, no drive, let it live
or die, doesn't bother me.
22) Of. Of? Yeah, I'm really getting quite bored of this now, I don't have
anything to say to you, and the most limited desire to say it anyway; I've
probably used up all my desire already, so I'll probably just fuck off and lie
on a sofa somewhere for another few months. What can you do? What can you do?
Fresh air and exercise - as I said, line up the people who suggest fresh air
and exercise somewhere outside and kill them really vigorously; sometimes I
even amuse myself. Still have no desire though.
23) Aftershave. Aftershave? Oh do you really smell so fucking bad that you need
to smell of chemicals? Just let the fuckers smell you. Scrape your armpits and
you'll be fine. That proves it's a lie (feigning desire just to y'know, stop
you from complaining, you fucking complainer, cos it's allllllllways gotta be
perfect doesn't it? It always has to make perfect fucking sense, doesn't it? It
always has to be fucking funny doesn't it? You can't just make do with fucking
words and words that look all pretty can you? Fucker). Lie. What is a lie
really? Some people say a lie is something that isn't true, and y'know, I think
they're probably right.
24) Rather. Rather? Why does Terry-Thomas have a hyphen? He does, doesn't he?
Ann-Margaret too. Terry-Thomas does though, doesn't he? I'm not imagining it,
am I? It must be some actor's union thing I suppose, but there must be better
options than a hyphen? Rather. Well, I suppose it's his and her name, and if
they really want the hyphen, who am I to stop them? Let them look like twats if
they want, but perhaps all they needed was someone to take them to one side and
say "Terry-Thomas [or Ann-Margaret if they were talking to Ann-Margaret not
Terry-Thomas], the hyphen makes you look like a twat, get rid of it". Now that
I think of it, I'm less sure Terry-Thomas had a hyphen, but you can fuck off if
you think I'm checking or deleting. Rather. Lies don't matter; CIA lie to you
every day when they kill your dog.
25) Than. Than? What a horrible little uninspiring word. Lives only in relation
to others, can't exist on its own, a horrible little parasite that should be
burnt off with a match, and then burnt whilst off with another match just to
punish it. I don't like the word 'than' and urge you to dislike it too; never
use it again, please, for me. I mean it, I do - I don't mean that I'll never
use it again because that'd mean a modicum of effort and that can't be a good
thing - but I do like the idea of someone actually deciding never to use the
word 'than' again because I said I didn't like it and urged them to dislike it.
And I dislike lies too, so there's your proof, if proof were needed, and who
really needs proof, really? Eh? Not the CIA when they kill your dog, that's for
damn sure. Self-parody. Self-parody of self-parody. Darling, I'm so whisked up
in parody and self-parody that I'll need a corkscrew just to even get out of my
arse let alone hose down afterwards.
26) His. His? Don't be greedy. If you discount all the repetitious bits, praps
I was right with 21. I wasn't, but praps I was.
27) Physical. Physical? Ah, the physical. Well the physical side of it is good,
but it came so late on that the foundations were built more on the other stuff,
but then it turns out that they were all lies (or were hanging out with lies)
so we just fell back on the physical, which was fine and dandy, but it did
leave us a little sore because our shoes were too tight.
28) Deformity. Deformity? Yep, deformity, but nowadays the real deformity is
conformity, and I said that so it must be true, and so the converse must be a
lie which pretty much proves my point and gives me a chance to fuck off. And I
miscounted again. 28 it is. See? There up there, 28. Ah well I don't suppose it
really matters that I counted wrong, does it? Woman has nose. Heart-wrenching.
Oh it should have been "wore a dress and vagina" that's far funnier. How often
we think of what we should have said after we said it, and how often we then
don't say anything because we're worried that something better will come along
later. The most important thing, y'know what that is? Do you? No? Better find
out then instead of wanking about, hadn't you? Fucking retard.