Well
that was a big fucking bust. I spend all that time and effort
putting my clothes back on to go outside and stare at the sky,
and what happens? No fucking lights anyfuckingwhere. I suppose I
should be happy and jolly that it wasn't cold, but it was damp
underfoot, and all the more so when I stood on a snail with my
bare feet. Waste not want not; I'll have it with my baked potato
for lunch today. So I go outside, it's clear, it's dark, there's
relatively little light pollution, but do I see buzzin swirlin
rockin rollin groovin shakin movin makin who do you think you are
lights in the sky? Do I bollocks. I waste all that time and
effort looking in all directions when I could be curled up inside
in front of a warm cup of cocoa, sipping a warm duvet, and
sleeping in a burned-out fire. (Two of those I have actually
done. Up to you to decide which is the Sesame Street one). So
what happened, man? Where did this solar storm go to, man? It's
not as if it could have just disappeared of the face of this
earth (in fact, that's exactly...), or... was there never
actually a solar storm at all? Was it... the CIA?
I've
been thrown out of the CIA for revealing its secrets to you (it
doesn't stop me killing without impunity, but I've been removed
from Al Gore's inner sanctum on more than one occasion). As a
result, I can't be certain whether this is a CIA operation. It
smacks of an insalubrious deed; so who else could it be? Feebees?
Don't make me laugh. Aha ha ha ha ha, I like it. Mwah ha ha ha
ha, I kiss you. Hardy ha ha ha boys ha ha boyz hardy ha ha ha.
What we had last night, and what we will have for the next couple
of nights, is a giant CIA census to divide the world up into
acidheads, the easily influenced, and the others; there's no
other logical explanation. It works like this, dude: if you
didn't see lights, you're other. If you saw lights you're either
a user of illegal drugs or easily influenced. How stupid would
you have to be to be told you would see lights, and then when
none appear, you go and tell people that you saw them, just so as
not to appear different? Pretty fucking stupid (but don't feel
bad; there are billions like you). The CIA can sense this immense
power, and they want to harness it for the powers of good,
unfortunately the Continuity CIA has taken the original message
and warped, bent and twisted it over hot coals, and is trying to
rig the stupid people of the world up to a giant hamster wheel to
fund the impending war in Auxerre. (You doubt me, but when the
time comes you'll be kicking yourself, telling everyone that you
could have had a piece of the action, that you could have bought
shares in the war. Your loss, man. I'm already making my money
from people's pain and suffering). Diomede saw the light. He left
and got paid for it.
Which
just leaves the question of how the CIA differentiates between
LSD users and stupid people. (I'll leave a small gap for a wry
'Ha!' from anyone who digs that anti-scene, man). It's easy
really. They have satellites, man, that can read your mind, man.
Their satellites, man, can tell if you've ever listened to or
owned anything concerning the Grateful Dead, man. If you're on
their GD list, man, and also on their brand new Lights In The
Night Sky list, then you join their acid list. They'll send you
drugs from time to time in the post, just to see what effect they
have on the masses. It's a great scheme, man. Y'all should get
with it. (And it's a bit of a sidebar, your honour, but I would
like to just tell you about the great story of the Grateful Dead
spraying every 333rd record they produced with acid. It was a
sort of thank you to their wonderful fans, and some great cosmic
joke on the other 332 people who would be sitting there licking
their copy of Skull Fuck, and claiming to see the CIA's lights.
It's not a true story, but a story is a story, right?)