When the nuclear
holocaust hits - the one we've all been preparing for with our
tinned foods, powdered milk and pads of A4 lined paper - we're
all gonna die quickly and painfully, or slowly and painfully,
depending on whether you die quickly, or whether you die slowly.
It's all really self-explanatory, and to be honest I'm quite
surprised you needed me to explain it to you. What are you? Some
kind of fucking retard or something? Anyway, when the nuclear
holocaust hits - and it will, just keep a watchful eye on those
seven Fijians - all that will survive will be cockroaches,
diamonds, and anyone who has ducked under a desk. After a week or
two the people under the desk will tire of eating diamonds and
cockroaches, and will venture out, only to die slowly and
painfully. Finally, all that will survive will be the
cockroaches, which we are told can survive a nuclear holocaust,
and diamonds, which we are told are forever. Neither of those are
negotiable; they are absolute.
Gradually all the
buildings and even just the land itself will begin to rot away
under the continual strain of nuclear holocaust. (For proof of
this, compare Japan which has been nuked, and Africa which
hasn't. Which is bigger? Which has rotted away somewhat?) We will
be left (well, 'we' won't, as we'll be puddles of snot oozing
into the sea) with just water, cockroaches and diamonds. The
atmosphere will be bollocksed up, I'm sure (I have no proof, but
at times like this, who needs proof?), and ultimately we are left
with our utopian society with just cockroaches and diamonds
floating around in space. So how do these builders of the new
society amuse themselves? Sex, obviously. Come look into the
future where cockroaches and diamonds inter-breed, to make 'ard
cockroaches, and diamonds with legs. I only wish I could be
there.
Imagine this
beautiful new society... What could possibly go wrong with it?
What problems couldn't cockroaches and diamonds solve? Apart from
the West Lothian question, I can't think of a single one. This is
a foolproof plan. It's perfect. There's not a single flaw.
Cockroaches might not be able to breathe if there was a
bollocksed up atmosphere? That's why they breed with the
diamonds. Survival of the fittest. Those cockroaches that take on
the lungs of diamonds are able to survive, those that don't will
suffocate and then implode like a nun at a an umbrella
conference. Food... what of food? Cockroaches aren't fussy
eaters. Not only will they stock up on the decaying bodies of
everything else before the whole world rots away, and then the
juices of decayed apartheid cockroaches, finally, once the stage
is reached with only diamond geezer cockroaches, they'll survive
by dabbling in cannibalism, and coprophilia. What could possibly
go wrong in this beautiful new society?