Elephants eh? Tsk. So I'm like walking down the street, and there's like this elephant following me, so I like stop and he likes stops and hides behind a tree. So I like walk up to him, all subtle like and I'm like "Why are you following me?" and he's like "I'm not following you," and I'm like "Yes you are," and he's like "No I'm not," and I'm like "Can we do this dialogue another way, and he's like:
Elephant: How's this? [Just imagine the I'm like he's like stuff for me, eh?]
Me: Perfect. So, why were you following me?
E: I wasn't.
M: Yes you were; I saw you.
E: I wasn't following you. I'm just a normal, average elephant going about his daily business.
M: What IS your daily business? I haven't seen many elephants around here before... in fact, come to think of it, I haven't seen any elephants around here before.
E: It doesn't mean there aren't any though. There are loads of elephants around here, it's just that you don't see them. They're the ones that are following you, not me. I don't have the surreptitious grace to follow anybody, least of all you in your yellow secret agent trousers.
M: They aren't yellow, they're black.
E: Well they look yellow to me.
M: Well they look black to me. And anyway, what's all that shit about other elephants...
E: Covert undercover elephants. Well, not really true elephants; they're half elephants and half rhinos. Know what they're called?
M: No.
E: Me neither.
M: Well I'm a quarter Sicilian. Know what that means? Mafia. Don't fuck with me.
E: You're not a quarter Sicilian.
And I'm like thinking to myself does he know I'm not a quarter Sicilian cos I'm wearing my 'I'm Not A Quarter Sicilian' T-shirt, or does he know because he's following me and he's done his background work. And I'm like:
M: Do you know I'm not a quarter Sicilian cos I'm wearing my 'I'm Not A Quarter Sicilian' T-shirt, or do you know because you're following me and you've done your background work?
E: I'm not following you; I'm an elephant. Therefore it must be the T-shirt.
M: You're not following me because you're an elephant, but you can read English? Doesn't sound very likely does it?
E: Why not?
M: I'd have thought that an elephant would be more adept at following someone than they were at reading English.
E: Then you'd have thought wrong cos I wasn't following you, but I can read English.
M: How come?
E: How come what? The reading English thing? I've just always been able to do it; call it natural talent if you will.
M: It sounds to me like you've been trained to follow people, and read secret documents that people have out in front of you, expecting elephants to not be able to read.
E: Well it can sound however you think it sounds, but I wasn't following you.
M: You fucking were. When I stopped you ducked behind that tree. If you'd had a newspaper with eyeholes cut out you'd have used it.
E: I can't read newspapers.
M: You just said you can read.
E: I can, but I can't read newspapers. I don't have thumbs to hold them in my front feet.
M: So what do you read?
E: T-shirts mainly.
M: Oh. Well, for arguments sake, let's say that you weren't following me...
E: Thanks.
M: I think you were, but we'll leave that aside for the moment. ...you weren't following me, but you said some other elephants were. Why would they follow me?
E: How should I know? What am I, the spokesman for my species?
M: Yes. You're wearing your 'I'm The Spokesman For My Species' invisible T-shirt.
E: No I'm not.
M: Yes you are.
E: Then how come you can see it. ...And how come you can speak Elephant?
M: I just can. Call it natural talent if you will.
E: Are you mocking me?
M: Yes.
E: Are you trying to get me riled up so I admit I was following you?
M: Yes.
E: Well it won't work: I've spent three years at anger management classes.
M: An elephant at anger management classes? Doesn't sound very likely. In fact I'm tempted to say it's even more unlikely than an elephant that can read.
E: Unlikely? Because of my gentle nature? I wasn't always this calm; that's why I went to anger management classes.
M: No, unlikely because there aren't many anger management classes for elephants.
E: Oh you're the expert on anger management classes all of a sudden are you?
M: No.
E: I'll have you know that in 97% of all anger management classes there'll be at least one elephant, often two. The reason that you don't know is cos it's usually the same half elephant, half rhinos that keep following me.
M: Why are they following me Mr. Species Spokesman?
E: I dunno. Did you piss them off somehow?
M: I've never seen one before; how could I piss one off?
E: Just because you don't see them, doesn't mean they're not there. Perhaps you stood on one of their toes by accident.
M: How could I stand on an elephant's toe by accident? And even if I did, it wouldn't hurt cos elephants have big hard toes.
E: Perhaps they're following you because you insulted their toes.
M: Elephants don't have big hard toes?
E: I'm not saying that. It's just that some elephants - myself included - don't like people to draw attention to our toes.
M: Why the toes? You're big and hard all over, but you don't mind people saying that.
E: That's as may be, but we're sensitive about our toes. ...Anyway, my penis is bigger than yours. In fact, my penis is bigger than you.
M: So? I bet you have trouble finding jeans that fit.
E: Why do I need jeans? I've got a hard, calloused arse.
M: So have I.
E: Well at least I don't think I'm being followed by elephants.
M: Well at least I don't follow people, and then lie about it.
E: Neither do I.
M: Yes you do.
E: No I don't.
M: Yes you do.
E: No I don't.
M: No you don't.
E: You're right, I don't.
M: Damn. That always works in Bugs Bunny cartoons.
E: One of these days, m'boy, you're gonna grow up and realise life and Bugs Bunny cartoons are two vastly different things.
So I'm like, "No they're not," and I like drop this anvil on his head, and he's like:
E: Is that supposed to hurt me? I'm an elephant; you could drop anvils on my head until the cows come home and it wouldn't really bother me. And anyway, anvils on the head are more the mainstay of Roadrunner, not Bugs Bunny.
M: Are you suggesting for one second that Bugs Bunny never dropped an anvil on anyone's head?
E: No. I'm just saying that if you're trying to make the point that life and Bugs Bunny cartoons are in any way similar, there are better ways to do it than dropping an anvil on someone's head, which would have been fatal if I wasn't an elephant.
M: But you are an elephant, so what's your point?
E: No point, just helping you to not end up in prison for dropping an anvil on someone's head.
M: Duly noted. Dickhead.
E: What did you call me?
M: You heard.
E: Say it again.
M: You heard.
E: Say it again.
M: I called you a dickhead.
E: It's a trunk.
M: I know it's a trunk, I've seen elephants before.
E: Well apparently not if you don't realise you're being followed by them.
M: I do realise I'm being followed by them. ...by you. Why the fuck were you fucking following me?
E: I wasn't.
M: Do you have any idea how annoying you are? Ahhh, I can't be dealing with all this shit: I've got absolutely nothing to do for three hours. I'm off.
E: Good. Where are you going?
M: None of your fucking business where I'm going. Where are you going?
E: None of your business.
M: Well I'm going over there.
E: Me too.
M: Actually I'm going over there instead.
E: Yeah, I just changed my mind too.
M: You can't.
E: Yes I can; it's a free country.
And I like launch into this rambling polemic about why this isn't a free country, and he likes wanders off to follow some other poor sap, and I like do whatever it is I wanna do without being followed by elephants.