I know I do it a lot, but I'd really like to talk about The Proclaimers again. (Quick recap for anyone not paying attention: they wrote one song which people like to jump to, just a little too fast. They sell peanut shells for kindling now. A certain Ms. Britney Felicity Spears bases every single one of her songs on The Proclaimer's smash number seven hit, and sadly for our shellsellers, she does them far better than they ever could). I may well have said everything about them that I possibly could previously, but I wouldn't mind recapping and rehashing just for my own piece of mind. (I do, of course, mean peace, but retardation is funny). I'll say something funny about lesbians tomorrow just for you, ok?
I wanna wake up next to you, fine. I wanna go out with you, cool. I wanna get drunk with you, groovy, although it perhaps should go before the first one and after the second. I wanna haver on to you, less cool; I think you're supposed to pretend to listen while the gal havers on. Ah well, who am I to complain? Until I used that internet thang to find the proper words, I thought it was hammer. (If you're going for accuracy, throw peanut shells underarm). Hammer, haver, what's the difference? One uses nails, or can be a euphemism for boinking, and the other doesn't or isn't. Just use a dictionary, ok?
500 miles. That's a long way. Nah, scratch that, it's a DANG long way. If a fat guy walked 500 miles by the end of it they'd either be thin or dead; that's how DANG long it is. Just think about it next time you're jumping, ok? I know the song calls for 500 and 500 to make 1000, but that's just to make the lyrics scan. The essence of the song is 500 miles; not only is it the title, but apart from I, wanna, when, you, be, yeah, with, gonna and man, it's the word that features most in the song, and on a par with miles. Pretty impressive for a po' black number from the wrong side of the tracks who never had a pair of matching socks until he was forty twelve, eh? When, wanna and be feature most. The Proclaimers were existentialist dreamers. (If you crack open a peanut shell in the dead of winter, a sort of dusty smoke comes out. The Indians said that was a peanut's soul escaping).
"I just walked 500 miles because I love you." "That's very sweet, but..." You've gotta have guarantees. It's a lot of effort. At the least you're walking twenty or thirty miles a day (I'm no good at estimation; it's why they threw me out of the Scouts). That's under a month of constant walking apart from the sleeping and the eating and the stopping when you reach your twenty or thirty mile limit after six hours, have a quick meal, can't sleep because you're a chronic insomniac and then you need to find a way to fill the other 18 hours a day, but you can't bring (a peanut inserted under the eyelid may not cure glaucoma, but it can't do any harm) books with you or anything like that cos they'll get too heavy, so you hide in a ditch and try and catch dogs and skin them alive just for the thrill of the chase. And just to lay down at the door? Jeez dude, if you're doing all that, at least make sure she'll ask you in, and perhaps even let you watch lesbian porn with her or something. You need to know it's all gonna be worthwhile. I reckon for guaranteed true love, with all the trimmings, no painful loss, no changed minds, just love and all that jazz, I reckon I'd walk 500 miles, but that'd mean entering into a pact with some preternatural, subcutaneous deity, and they just don't grow on trees like rotting fruit.
Perhaps it's the only way to get to the woman you love. I'd recommend phoning or emailing first. If she doesn't have a phone or a computer, try writing a letter. If she doesn't have a house, the chances are she won't survive the cold winter, so why go to all that effort? You'll get there, she'll be dead. Yay, you get to go to the funeral; that's really gonna relieve your sexual frustration isn't it? Maybe you have to see her in person. Get a bus, train, car, plane, taxi, depending on your price range. It can't be much more - for a bus - than it is to feed yourself and pay for accommodation for the duration of your hike. Maybe you're a po' black number with no money for a phone call, even less chance of paying for a bus ticket, and you won't hitchhike cos you're momma said it's dangerous. And she can't come see you, cos of ummm... some reason. Walk away. Go and be with the woman you love (get the guarantees from the deity first if at all possible). It all just sounds a rather convoluted story of two people so down on their luck, but if you tell me it's the truth I'll believe you.
Far more likely is he did something really scumly and his girlf demanded proof of his love, or she'd never speak to him again, let alone let him watch her shaving her bristly leg hair. Walk 500 miles if you love me as much as you say you do. What did you do to piss her off that much? Dang, that's far more interesting than all the walking. We've gotta presume the walking actually happens, and that she's sufficiently hurt, or is enough of a bitch, to make you walk all that way, and that you care enough, or are pussywhipped enough to walk all that way. That's some seriously hurt lady. That's pretty cool. Sad, and all that, that two people who love each other so much need such extreme proof - or indeed proof at all. Pretty cool nonetheless. I wonder what he did.