Since I killed
my dog, there has been a gaping whole in my life. I've tried
filling it with masturbation (with and without prostate
stimulation), but now I've run out of clean clothes, and I'm
feeling strangely numb. I tried reading a good book but that just
made me horny again, and I had no dog around to lick away at my
genitals while I read. I was seriously considering buying another
dog. I mean, what are the chances that my new dog will know
something I don't know, like my old dog? Somewhat slim.
I was heading out to my local -
no questions asked - pet shop, when I stumbled into a new hobby
to take my mind off dogs. Yes, I have discovered the wonders of
coughing. You may have heard the adage that a sneeze is like
1/100th of an orgasm... well, I'm no mathematician, but coughing
rocks. Ever since I started coughing, I've been unable to stop.
You could say I'm addicted. You could say I'm a dick head. You
could say what the fuck you like; I don't know who you are, and I
don't care. Coughing is, as the French would say in the Pacific,
"da bomb".
Might I make a suggestion to
improve your pathetic, mundane lives? Try coughing. Start slowly,
of course, just a cough or two an hour. Then after a day, make
the big leap up to about 10 coughs a minute. If you have
phlegm-ridden lungs, so much the better; you can jump to the
oft-quoted cough-spit. Coughing has been proven by scientists to
cure cancer, AIDS, George W Bush and acne larger than 3 inches.
(Admittedly they weren't particularly good scientists, with a
somewhat left-wing bias, but they were scientists nonetheless,
and unless you can think of a good reason to not cough, you
should do it as much as you can).
"I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life. It makes them taste quite funny, but it
keeps them on the knife."
Now imagine this world famous
opus with coughing.
"I cough eat cough my cough
peas cough with cough honey cough. I've cough done cough it cough
all cough my cough life cough. It cough makes cough them cough
taste cough quite cough funny cough, but cough it cough keeps
cough them cough on cough the cough knife."
Need I say more?
Yes, apparently. Coughing is the
new rock and roll. Nine out of ten cats prefer coughing to being
anally raped by Neil Patrick Harris (TV's Doogie Howser). Hitler
didn't cough, and now he's dead. What more do you need?
(On a separate note, has anyone
read "A Hand In The Bush: A Guide To Vaginal Fisting by
Deborah Addington"? Is it good?)