Sir,
Imagine my howwor on examining my most recent purchase of extra mature cheddar from your fine establishment: where I could previously revel in my freedom upon reading the disclaimer claiming that my statutory rape rights will not be affected, I am now left feeling imposed and put-upon when I read that my statuestory rights will be impinged upon like a whore in a brother. I suppose you think your some sort of Jesus figure, deciding who has rights and who doesn't? I suppose you think you're so big and clever just because you can crush the youthful exuberance and under-age drinking of all your cheddar purchasers. I suppose I tory (no Daniel, I'm not gay, I just like the taste of old jokes).
Furthermore, sir, I find myself starting a second paragraph. Imagine my howwor on finding myself starting a second paragraph. This kind of thing would never have happened under Reagan - admittedly I missed the majority of the Reagan administration after suffering from a rather nasty coma that was going around, but I have subsequently seen films and read books, and I can rest assured that statutory rights would remain, and that neither paragraphs nor penis and bottom references would be allowed to exist without some form of gun-toting psychopath shooting their testicles off.
If you'll grant me the immodest honour of returning to my original and best point, you unmitigated shit, you stole my statutory rights just because you felt like it. I suppose you think your some kind of big man just because you're big and a man... well, it's that kind of attitude that allowed Hitler to come to power. Do you think that's a good thing, sir? Are you some sort of Hitler supporter? I don't think that's the kind of talk your shareholders would like to hear about, of which I aren't, but could be and then where would you be, eh? There, that scared you didn't it?
My wife and I have been having sex with each other for over fifty years, and with other people for forty seven non-consecutive years. Do you not see that we, and in particular I, must be right about everything? Do you not see that you must change your whole manner of business as of this very moment, not allowing any leeway for the postal service or menstruation? Do you not see just because you are blind? A likely story sir, if I might call you sir. Blindness is no preclusion to vision, and I should know: I was blind for a day during the late 70s when I forgot to open my eyes (stress from being), yet I was still able to see and I didn't have one of those guide dogs that you see fit to allow into your establishment.
I expect to hear from you curtly.
Yours uply,
Flt Lt By The Rt Hon Pedigree 'Binky' Fifty-Percent-Extra-Free-Smythe