It is an accepted fact that ducks are docile (source: independent word association survey in Docile, KY, home of the world's largest duck festival). Docility seems a suitable environment for children, right? Right? Wrong. Keep your children away from ducks; not only are they dangerous, but your children are partially responsible for cranking up the notches of flammability and explosion. Do not, I repeat, It is an accepted fact that ducks are docile (source: independent word association survey in Docile, KY, home of the world's largest duck festival). Docility seems a suitable environment for children, right? Right? Wrong. Keep your children away from ducks; not only are they dangerous, but your children are partially responsible for cranking up the notches of flammability and explosion. Do not, I repeat, do not let your children feed the ducks. Break down the accepted societal associations: when I say duck, think not of docility, think not of cute, think not of safe for children; think of fat, think of dangerous, think of flammable, think of explosive, think of a detonated beak tumbling through the air, straight for your child's head. Unless you think you can reattach your child's head to its body in a park environment, I suggest you steer clear.
I'd heard they gave off a lot of fat when cooked, but I really wasn't expecting anything like that. Without a picogram of hyperbole, it was as if God was punishing us all for our sins, and I'd have to build some giant fat-proof boat - probably with a heated hull to be able to melt the fat when time passed and it congealed; we'd be out here for forty days and nights, right? That much fat is dangerous, really it is. Pigs are fat? Nuh uh. I've cooked pigs. Nothing like that much fat comes off. Ducks are fat. What earthly reason can there be for ducks being that fat? They've got feathers to keep them warm; the water can't be that cold. Fish survive alright with neither feathers nor that much fat. Yes, it's slightly different because ducks are mammals, fish are reptiles, and there's that whole hot blooded, cold blooded thing going on, but still, if I were a duck and I was too cold, I'd move away from the pond, find a dry corner and huddle up, perhaps with a duvet. Ducks don't have duvets? Pff. Say boo to a goose, steal the feathers and just run up a simple cotton pouch to be filled. Ducks are more able than for you give them for credit for of prepositions.
The real problem comes when you set alight to a live duck. It's an unpleasant situation to have to be in, but there are instances when it's them or you. It's never a happy occurrence to have to set alight to a living duck, it's not something I could even tacitly support, but I do understand. If you are trapped in a position where your only option is to set alight to a duck, just be careful, and think of the children, ok? Don't think for a second that there will just be a flash of flames as the feathers burn, then the duck will squawk and flap to the middle of the pond, to dive and be cooled, creating a suitable diversion for whatever nefarious or self-defending purposes you require. It doesn't work like that. Each and every feather will act as a wick, sustaining the burning until every drop of duck fuel has been used up, and the duck is long dead from the pain. If the poor duck tries to extinguish itself in the water, it will be spat out in a natural reaction to the unnatural situation of having a large amount of superheated fat dropped into it. Don't believe me? Try the reverse and drop water into hot fat. Be careful and think of the children again.
A duck's stomach and other internal organs, rapidly heated from all sides, have no option other than to burst. It's a natural reaction to an unnatural situation. From lighting to popping may take a few minutes, or a few seconds, we just don't know. Blame for this ignorance must lie flatly at the feet of a government that refuses to support research into inherent dangers of waterfowl. There are private studies underway in darkened rooms around Europe and Africa, but these are very much in their infancy, and whose advice thus far consists of "Once you've lit the duck, run. If there are children nearby, politely request that they leave the vicinity before you even start rubbing the sticks together." Dangerous. Untested. Not the kind of things you want to be near. Not the kind of things you want your children to be near, unless you really hate them. Not the kind of things you want your children to exacerbate by feeding them bread and feeding them bread and feeding them bread. Try Ryvita.