C'est tout, nada mas, nein moren cocken fighten para mi. I
can't go to another cock fight, I just can't. It may be the
last bastion of overt masculinity and violence in a safe,
androgynous world where no-one ever gets hurt and men don't
exist, but I just can't go to another cock fight and sleep
easily with myself - not even if I get myself drunk first.
Cocks peck, cocks scratch, and that's it: how insipid, how
uninspired, how lazy, how thoughtless, how needless. "Oh
deary me, a peck, ooh that does hurt oh so much. Excuse me
for a second whilst I just pump blood and die." There's no
thought to the violence, there's no love, there's no
balletic grace and savage brutality. It's not for me.
If you're not happy with any of the candidates, stop moaning
about it and be a candidate. If you're not happy with any of
the underground animal violence pits, stop moaning about it
and make your own. Cock fighting out, kitten fighting in. I
can smell the blood already. Kittens almost have it all:
they have the teeth, they have the claws, they have the
powerful little hind legs to administer the coup de grace of
the well timed kick to the exposed heart, they attack on all
fronts at once, never letting up, they are killing machines
lest you forget. The one weakness kittens have is the lack
of a killer instinct; currently any kitten fight will end
with the two protagonists getting bored and curling up
asleep together with no blood pumping or oozing. How can you
bet on that? No-one will win but the bookies.
There are two schools of thought on how to get blood and
death back where it belongs into kitten fighting, and
luckily for you I control them both. Mwah hahahaha. (I hate
it when people laugh when you kiss them; it's such a knock
to my confidence, which was pretty shaky to begin with). The
wrong school recommends using artificial devices such as
razor blades tied to the tail, false teeth that cut through
kitten skin like that titanium knife through shoe leather
(useful), and little pouches of napalm just under their cute
little chins which burst easily, taking off most of the fur
to facilitate skin slitting, burning the kittens just enough
to make them really wild and willing to lash out at
anything, including the other poor kitten in the ring who
won't know what hit her.
The second school of thought says that kittens already have
the tools of violence at their disposal, it knows that a
kitten clawing at the sweet spot of an eye can pop that
sucker right open, it knows that if the tickling whiskers
can be ignored for a minute of hard jaw munching, a kittens
nose can be bitten clean off - and when I say clean, I mean
with as much blood as possible. Killer instinct, eye of the
tiger, that's what's needed, and remember a kitten can be a
tiger when it grows up if it sets its mind to it, and hops
its genes around a bit. Make a kitten truly vicious and you
have a fight on your hands, you have a multi-pound business
on your hands, you have blood on your hands.
Try shouting at a kitten. Go on, try it. Ran away, didn't
it? Idiot. Don't shout at kittens, you'll just scare them.
Play with the kitten, tickle its belly, match its
boxing-like clawing with your old swearing fingers, and as
it gets into it, and starts gently scratching you with its
claws, 'accidentally' gently flick it in the face, then
quickly stroke it as if to apologise, and carry on as
before. You got a punch in, and nothing happened. Wonderful.
You've taken your first step, I'm so proud of you. After one
flick? Try two, try one but a bit harder, try a pinch.
They'll respond well to your methods if you work them up
gently; as they start to take your comments on board you'll
notice the scratches you get increasing in severity. You may
want to wear gloves, or you may want to start them sparring
with another kitten in your stable, it's up to you; if we
all trained our kittens alike then they'd all fight alike
and there'd be no excitement come fight night. First rule of
kitten fighting: you're not a real man until you've trained
kittens to kill. Second rule of kitten fighting: no dogs.
Now, I'm not for a second advocating mistreating animals, no
no no no no, I'm advocating training, I'm advocating gently
pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour until they're
doing things they never thought possible. Training man,
self-defence, control. Blood.