Jesus
hates liars. He told me so himself, much like he told me to wear
3D glasses all day today to achieve a different perspective on
life. He tells me all sorts of stuff, but mostly he just tells me
that he hates liars. If you don't believe that Jesus hates liars,
go ahead and look it up; it's in the book, page 173, fifth line
down. (It may be on a different page in your version, but if you
flick through you'll come to it eventually). When you get up to
heaven, Jesus'll kill you if you've lied, or so he says. He told
me that he hates liars so much that if he ever comes across one
he's gonna slice open their legs and rip out anything of any use.
Any of you pedants who wonder why a Jesus who hates liars so much
allows them into heaven will have your answer in a minute. In
fact I'm tempted not to answer you at all, but I will, cos that
'you'll get your answer in a minute bit' was just a continuation
of an ugly sentence. Here it is. Jesus hates all other religions
- especially Jews - much more than he hates liars. But this isn't
the time or the place for that. Liars are evil, immoral,
spunkgarglers who deserve to die, go up to heaven, and then have
Jesus kill them. Jesus tells me I made a huge mistake in saying
that he would slice open their legs. He says he never told me
that at all. Who am I to argue with him? Jesus says he's just
gonna kill them. He says he's not a vengeful prophet, unlike some
others that he could mention. Jesus says liars just deserve to
die, and the sooner they do the better. And anyway, he says that
if he really wanted to hurt them, he wouldn't slice open their
legs, he'd break their hearts. Should I mention 'Did I mention
that Jesus hates liars?'?
With
the threat of all that, is hell actually a better option for
anyone who has lied during their life? Wouldn't it be better to
recant your Catholicism on your death bed? (Catholicism is the
only one that counts. Jesus hates all the other cadres of
Christianity more than he hates Jews). I'm afraid not. You're
just buying into the media image, mainly perpetuated by the likes
of South Park and Bill and Ted, where hell is unpleasant, but
actually not that bad; and certainly a lot better than being
killed by Jesus. Although you might think that Jesus and Satan
would hate each other, you'd be wrong. They used to be good
buddies, but then after a falling out between 'Stan' Satan and
Jesus' Pappy, they didn't get a chance to see each other. With
the advent of computers, and email revolutionising communication,
they managed to rekindle their friendship and now Satan will do
favours for Jesus, and send up, to be killed, any liars who
manage to slip down to hell.
So
don't fucking lie to me again you fucking bitch, cos I know
Jesus, and he knows Satan, and together we can make your death a
dying heaven. Jesus may not slice your legs open and leave you in
immense pain, but I fucking will. Oops, yet another personal
vendetta. Ach well. Quick subject change. Umm... oh yeah. Any
rich folks who think that they are safe from Jesus' wrath just
cos it's more likely for a camel to pass through the eye of a
needle than for them to get into heaven, I just want to tell you
how wrong you are. You're going to heaven. Jesus'll kill you if
you've lied. Jesus knows, as we all do, that rich people are
prone to being overweight. Jesus also knows that the pearl
necklace gates have rusted shut. If you want to get in, then
you've gotta squeeze through the bars, or climb over. Neither of
which are easy for a big fat guy. Most importantly, Jesus knows
about the huge camel blenders that buzz away just outside heaven
all day and all night, channelling all the juices into a funnel
with an unbelievably fine point, which drips into a needle's eye.
The reason for all this will become clear in the fullness of
time. Prepare yourself. Buy lots of tinned foods, and take cover
somewhere safe.