The
latest cause célèbre amongst cause-driven celebrities is the
boycotting of bacon sandwiches for reasons of excess blood.
They're not talking about the blood in bacon, of course: for all
of its trendy vegetarian morals, Hollywood is first and foremost
a cockhungry slut that craves meat. Neither is the boycott
concerning the inclusion of ketchup - a blood substitute invented
in the 50s to satiate the blood lust of escaped mental patients,
and allow them to become fully functioning members of the Noo
Joisey Nets. Rumours that there is blood in either lettuce or
tomatoes are completely unfounded: Anton Chekhov was just
spreading jealous rumours, and the sooner we ignore her, the
better. The excess blood which the celebrities - to whom we must
all listen - is the blood found in bread. Bet you didn't know
about that, did you? It's some big protest about out of work
windmills, and those in work being forced to work too many hours,
becoming tired, and killing their millers (accidentally in most
cases), with the blood spurting everywhere, but mainly in the
flour. I wasn't really paying attention to Freddie Prinze Jr, so
I don't really know all the details, but if celebrities say I
must boycott bacon sandwiches, then I shall.
This bread protest
takes the form of walking into a restaurant, sitting down, making
small talk with your latest attempt to get laid (or at least
paid), and then when the time comes to order, asking for
"Anything on the menu, provided it's not a bacon
sandwich." It was a plan of attack first thought up by Bea
Arthur, and has proven to be very effective in getting the
message across that bacon sandwiches are immoral, and that only
sick, twisted fucks would even consider eating them. There was a
brief breakaway movement intending to boycott all forms of
sandwich, but the political pressure that the Cheese Sandwich
Lobbyists were able to exert proved just too strong, and the
movement died out in a hail of bullets and blood-stained axes.
The waiters are a
powerful group, though. They have their needs, their wants, their
desires. They all want to be actors and actresses, and of course,
resent anyone other than them who makes it. 62% of known waiters
have "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" tattooed on
the inside of their eyelids or along their livers. This 62% won
the vote, and the waiters were to go to war with the celebrities.
Yes, primarily they are there to serve, so they must bring what
is ordered, but with carte blanche to bring anything as long as
it's not a bacon sandwich, the waiters have been really let their
imaginations run wild. At first they would bring Bread And Butter
Pudding to the bastard celebrities (their words, not mine), but
someone pointed out to them (one of the brighter inhabitants of
LA, perhaps) that there actually isn't any bread in Bread And
Butter Pudding, just bread substitute (cauliflower). Now offal
and garlic seems to be the choice of waiters. As a result, fewer
celebrities and trendy people following the trendsetters' trends
are eating in restaurants. Restaurants are going out of business.
Waiters are being laid off and having to turn to contortionist
prostitution to make ends meet. Chefs are pissed off with the
waiters for losing them their jobs, and are wandering the streets
with syringes filled with blood infected with a nasty sniffle.
No-one is happy, but these are men and women of principle, and
no-one will back down. LA is a city dying. We need your help.
Boycott bacon sandwiches. Kill waiters. Send us money.