And then as if by magic he pulled a rabbit from his hat. Very impressive,
but perhaps not the appropriate response from a policemen to whom you're
trying to report witnessing a violent crime (jaywalking with menaces). I was
invited to say hello to Kennedy the crime-fighting rabbit, an invitation I
declined in favour of saying hello to the policeman's superior. Eager to
help, the policeman introduced me to his superior: Kennedy the
crime-fighting rabbit. Eager not to talk to Kennedy the crime-fighting
rabbit, I asked to speak to Kennedy's superior officer. Eager to help, the
policeman told me that Kennedy was the highest ranked officer in the whole
police force, and handed me a leaflet entitled Ten Facts About Kennedy the
Crime-fighting Rabbit That You Didn't Know, replicated below.
1. Kennedy was born in Tromso, Norway. His English mother relocated to
England with Kennedy when his father was killed when a depressed polar bear
jumped off a glacier and landed on him. Kennedy was just two at the time.
2. Most facts about Kennedy actually comprise two or three related facts.
This stems from Kennedy's will to be better than anyone else.
3. Kennedy decided to pursue a career in policing after a career in
professional sewing failed to take off.
4. Kennedy is responsible for more convictions than any other policeman
ever. Eager to get away from the image of bureaucracy that haunted the
police service throughout the early, mid and late 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s
and 90s, Kennedy was quickly pushed up through the ranks until he was king
of all he surveyed.
5. Kennedy is a homosexual. He chooses not to share this information with
people as he feels it is none of their business and has no bearing on his
public life. Shh.
6. I just saw Jennifer Capriati's nipple on the BBC's coverage of Wimbledon.
Kennedy didn't.
7. Kennedy is a fanatical follower of Rugby League. He supports no team in
particular, keen to eschew convention.
8. Kennedy was once tried for drug smuggling. The jury chose to believe
Kennedy's claims that he didn't do it over the evidence and testimony of
doctors, priests and whores.
9. Kennedy doesn't like music. He owns just one CD: Nigel Havers reading the
first 300 pages of Lord of the Rings.
10. Kennedy's penis is bigger than yours.
You might be thinking that Kennedy is some sort of cute little puppet, and
that the policeman is the real crime-fighting legend, but doesn't like the
limelight. 'Fraid not. Kennedy is a real rabbit - I'm not convinced of his
crime-fighting capability, but he's certainly a real rabbit. The policeman
is a doofus - I'm convinced he has no crime-fighting capability, and I'm
even more convinced that he's only allowed to be a policeman because of a
computer error. The policeman was holding Kennedy tightly, squeezing him,
Kennedy's little eyes flicking around looking for an escape route, and
bulging when squeezed just that bit too tight. If Kennedy's teeth and claws
hadn't been filed away, the policeman would be bleeding and Kennedy would be
away, either to fight crime or have a carrot, depending on whether you
believe a rabbit really can be the most successful policeman ever.
I suspected failure to report a crime was a crime, but I knew that the
policeman didn't know, and suspected that Kennedy didn't know - it was a
risk I was willing to take, certainly. I wasn't going to talk to this
ridiculous policeman any more than necessary, no-one else seemed to be
around, the rabbit was not an option. To cover my perfectly formed, glinting
in the moonlight arse, I asked for directions to the nearest post box;
neither the policeman nor Kennedy knew, and I politely thanked them for
their time. As I turned to leave, the policeman said goodbye to me, then
said goodbye again, in a depper voice (credit where credit's due, it was a
damn good impression), purporting to be Kennedy. I smiled knowingly and said
goodbye again.
What it means on a global scale is this: it's too sunny outside to be inside
and clothed.