We all have our canaries, mine just happens to be a battery. I've been racking my brains to think of some other existence of a life being saved by a battery, and save for all those army people, I'm at a loss. Oh, and those people who weren't getting enough battery acid in their diet and surely would have died were it not for the brave actions of some young wag who laced their panties with old batteries, mistakenly thinking it might kill them. Wags never have reasons, otherwise they'd be rapscallions - see books for further details. So umm yeah: originality in not dying thanks to a battery. Pay attention and you might just read something.
Y'all know the moist intimate details of my life, but did you know I cut my hair by melting it shorter in the mains socket? Ah I don't know why I bother asking questions: it's not as if you ever bother answering. Lazy, apathetic learners, I smile on you. Flick, poke, sizzle, smoke, mask the smell of patchouli incense, new haircut, ooh so very attractive now. Perfectly safe, no threat of death, worst injury a nasty dust scrape when fiddling about down there. Most importantly, split ends are fused together, so I never look like I've got twice as much hair as I actually have. It may not sound like much to those fools amongst you with short hair, but to someone who's psychologically allergic to split ends, it is about as important as life gets. (Who am I kidding? The truth: life is so dull that lack of split ends is the highlight).
So far we know two facts: a battery saved my life, and I cut my hair by electrocuting it. Have a third fact: my neck hurts. It's unrelated, but I'm hoping it might elicit a smidge of sympathy. I haven't done that whole "Ooh this sucks" thing for a long time, have I? (Here's where you don't bother answering). Oooh this sucks. Still, at least I haven't mentioned masturbation yet.
Do you ever wake up and get the urge to rub a battery in your hair? (Don't answer). No, me neither. Or. Oh? Well I don't. Ever go to bed drunk, and use a battery for a pillow by mistake? Ever slip and accidentally fall on a battery, but before you can slip and fall, you slip and fall and it touches your hair? So there I am with a battery in my hair, and I felt a tingle on my scalp. These crazy Russians eh? In times like this television is where one must turn; the news says that some unknown cat burglars have been spraying a fine mist of molten metal on people's hair as they sleep. It's the end of my self hair melting as I know it and I feel fine. The news explained, but I'd never have bothered looking if the battery hadn't tingled, so the battery saved my life. Simple really. Simple and dull. I'm losing the hunger again.