Placing your testicles in the anus of another person (sackpacking) initially
sounds a fair way to pass an evening. The motives for undertaking such a
practice amount to 'why not?' Some have been known to try it because there's
nothing on TV, others have run out of conversation with the people who
inhabit their living space, a third group of people take part because the
first two groups of people are doing it and they don't want to be left out.
All will suffer.
There are three distinct stages in sackpacking: getting them in, doing
something with them when they're there, and getting them out again. One
might suspect that getting them out is just getting them in, but reversed;
as we shall see this is not the case.
(It should be noted that sackpacking is a practice open to all fragments of
the sexual spectrum as long as at least one pair as testicles are available.
This obviously precludes lesbians, but most of them don't exist, having been
invented by Hollywood to boost flagging ticket sales in the early 80s. Those
few that do exist almost certainly have testicles of their own, or have
received, as part of their welcome pack, a prosthetic pair made from all
those drinks cans and newspapers we recycle).
Part one. Getting them in.
After paying, drugging, killing, defeating with logic, saying please, or
just asking if you can just quickly try something for two seconds, place the
recipient in the classic 'open' position. Ensure the testicles are
sweat-free and the anus is fully de-clagged. Soap and flannel, or in the
worst cases, a green scouring pad (fresh), should be used. If using a
scouring pad, don't press too hard and move in small circles, not
concentrating on one specific patch for too long: cuts and lesions spread
diseasions, and will hurt when things pick up a pace latterly. Your
lubricant of choice should be spread liberally around the area of attack,
but try and avoid getting the testicles slippery as you'll struggle to get a
good grip on them. Shaving beforehand is not advised as it too brings with
it the possibility of cuts, as well as stubble rash for the recipient of the
testicles.
Grasp the lower of the testicles (generally the one nearest the ground)
moderately firmly in the dominant hand. Place the 'point' of the testicle
against the anus and push. The secondary testicle will try to follow, unless
your scrotum is more elastic than most. Even if your scrotum is as
unyielding as policy, manual intervention will be required to pop it in
place. This whole process will hurt. Testicles aren't designed to be forced
into confined spaces. No-one said it was going to be easy.
The obvious temptation is to get the penis in too. Do not attempt this. Once
the penis goes in along with the testicles, there will be no way to remove
it, save cutting out your recipients anus, or amputating your genitals. When
that has been done, someone's going to be carrying around something of
someone else for the rest of their life, whilst the other goes without. Be
smart, don't risk it.
Part two. What to do when they're in.
There's not a lot you can do with your testicles in someone's anus.
Discussing how the entry went with your recipient, phoning up and bragging
to friends, perhaps filming the occasion to share at a family reunion, all
have been tried, none are satisfying. You may choose to see if anything good
is on TV yet, but if you've followed the instructions to the letter, it
shouldn't have taken more than fifteen minutes, and thus you'll have about
another fifteen minutes to wait before the next programme is on. The
preferred activity amongst frequent sackpackers is for the packer to remove
the blackheads from the back of the packee, whilst the packee entertains the
packer by singing a song, reciting a poem, doing a Lenny Bruce bit, or
painting a picture (as long as it's in full view of the packer and doesn't
have a sun in the top right hand corner).
Part three. Getting them out again.
This is going to hurt the most. If you have whisky or aspirin in the house,
get them now. If you're finding it hard to walk with your testicles in the
anus of another person, and have a sufficiently discrete butler, enlist his
help. (He should grab the two of you firmly around the waist to avoid any
pulling or, in the worst case scenario, wrenching from the dock).
Unless your butler can insert a finger, hook it around one of them and
retrieve it solomente, they're not going to come out one by one. If your
butler has anything but the slenderest of fingers, do not even attempt
individual removal, as this way lies surgical processes and a lifetime of a
finger and balls up an arse, an anus and finger around the testicles, or an
anus and testicles around the finger. One should always be careful of giving
such a gift to staff, as the natural inclination of the lower classes when
faced with such generosity of spirit and genitals will be arrogance and
greed; one simply cannot do a thing with arrogant and greedy staff.
To remove the testicles from the anus, wedge the head of your recipient in a
door, and walk smartly backwards. Left and right will mash against each
other as they exit the tight sphincter, causing immeasurable pain to all.
The recipient may push if they feel sure of no accidents, however the risks
of pushing far outweigh the negligible benefits, and as such it is generally
not practised. Some like a long soak in a hot aromatic bath, some prefer a
quick wipe down with a cool damp cloth to recover.
Enjoy.