Howdy y'all, I had to have my dog put down yesterday. For a
week or two, he had been looking at me in a way that I didn't
understand. At first I thought it was the kind of erotic
flatulence that haunted my grandpappy until he died. How wrong I
was: my dog wasn't farting seductively; he knew something that I
didn't know. Do you have any idea how unsettling that is? I can
cope with most people knowing things that I don't (not at all
true; I am in fact a twisted and misunderstood genius, and I have
the badge to prove it), but when my dog could potentially possess
the kind of knowledge that would see my glorious power base
fucked in the ass, well, something must be done. Kill the fucker.
Being a poor starving anorexic,
I have no money - certainly not the kind of money to waste on
paying a vet to kill my dangerously knowledgeable dog. Vets
charge too much. A few years back, my house became infested with
rats (I can't think of any funny reason why this would be so).
The vet charged over £800 (which is nearly $___) to have them
all put down. And I no longer like my dog as much as I did the
rats.
Killing a dog is not easy.
Scratch that. Killing a large dog, like mine, is not easy.
Killing a small dog IS easy. Cover the small dog with a towel to
prevent splashback, then take a run-up and jump. In retrospect,
I'm quite glad my dog was large: the fucker knew something I
didn't know; what do I care if he suffers long and needlessly?
...So there I am standing outside in an old coat, and a pair of
sunglasses (to protect against splashback) holding my ostensibly
nameless dog by the tail, swinging him into the wall of my house.
After about five minutes he stopped yelping quite so much, and
after a further five minutes, he seemed almost resigned to the
fact that his death was approaching. A few further swings and his
eyes took on an epiphanical nature. With the final swing his head
finally popped.
I'd expected him to talk before
he died, but he took his secret to the grave with him. Now my
dead dog knows something I don't know, and there's nothing I can
do about it.
