How
quickly we move from love to hate. Only yesterday we were lying
in the summer's grass, rolling around, sniffing, and today we're
shivering in the cold of winter inches away from stabbing unknown
people through the neck for the simple crime of clapping. Is
there anything in this world that inspires such justified hatred
as someone clapping? I submit that there is not. This cruel
slapping sound with which rhythmless freaks attempt to join in.
'Tis a crying shame that people such as yourself see fit to add
to whatever attempt at genius is up on the stage. Let's all clap
along. Show them how much we like it. Yeah that's a great fucking
plan. Are you a drummer? No? Then don't fucking clap along you
cocksucking whore. You are a drummer? Well play your fucking drum
kit and don't fucking clap along you cocksucking whore. Welcome
to a world where all are cocksucking whores, and no-one claps
along. Welcome to a world where if you unexpectedly win a CD
through the post, it's not some awful British Bands CD with no
thumping bass, and only twinkly ditties lacking any attempt at
soul. Welcome to Utopia. (Welcome to Cardiff. City of dreams).
I'm
no power-crazed dictator; in Utopia, I will allow people to
applaud to show their appreciation, despite the unpleasant taste
it leaves. Clapping along, just out of time every fucking time,
will be punishable by a Big Band CD that makes your head bob
around like Garth when he sucks on his big red thing. Or, all
music will be purposely out of time to stop people clapping
along. Changing time signatures. Anyone who puts seven beats in a
bar just to piss people off is ok by me. Come the revolution, the
following people will not be shot: Al Jourgensen, Al Jolson,
Trent Reznor and the Reznors from Super Mario World. Everyone
else will be shot, including dead people, who will be shot twice,
just to be on the safe side. In music classes at school did you
ever have to clap with just two fingers so you wouldn't make too
much noise, but the teacher could say you were doing music, when
in fact they were just playing the piano, or tapes, or whatever?
I think I'd allow that. It pulls on the space between the
swearing/pussy/middle finger and the unused ring/(ring) finger;
it's not painful, but it's noticeable. If you want to clap, be
aware of what you're doing, feel a twinge and don't make too much
fucking noise. Clicking your fingers will also be allowed. It has
beat connotations daddiolion; I think we can allow that as long
as people say one hepcat for every eight clicks. All the final
details I'll have to run past my Minister Of Clicky Noises, but
she's a little scared of me, so I can push through whatever
legislation I like.
Step
back from oppression.
Don't you think
that if the band, orchestra, whatever, had wanted clapping noises
on their little ditty they would have put it on? They're sitting
there in a studio with thousands of pounds of equipment, that
could make a better clapping noise than you ever could, and for
some reason, they choose not to put it on their magnum o'pus. Why
do you think that is? Is it a) forgetfulness? b) they want you to
do the clapping for them, cos you're the fifth, and more
important, member of the band? c) clapping along with their song
fucks it up and makes it sound wanky? (If you answered a or b, 0
points and a slap; if you answered c, 10 points and half a pint
of chicken karma). Singing along is ok. None of those famous
fucks can sing anyway. Singing sucks. Drown those fuckers out.
Sing it loud, sing it proud, don't fucking clap. If the band is
the kind that draws screams then scream away; it'll stop you from
having to listen. Just don't fucking clap. Your natural sense of
rhythm is calling you too strongly? You wanna be a drummer? Go
and buy a pair of drumsticks and hit stuff. If you can't afford
drumsticks, use a pair of knives and hit a sofa arm. Pots and
pans don't give you sufficient bounceback. Don't fucking clap.
It's not acceptable behaviour in current society. Don't fucking
clap.