Someone
wrote to me and used (not in reference to me, I'm sad to say) the
phrase "pre-madonna". Excellent stupidity huh? Can't
think how I could steal it and use it for my own lugubrious
means, but at least I have shared it amongst you. Spread the
word. (And also get people to sign up for this malign[sick] list plug plug plug).
Many
of you have written to me asking why, if I claim to be cold all
the time, I don't wear clothes. My answer to you is this: the
Devil (you shall know him by the initials GWB) invented clothes
to tempt us g/God fearing men (note lack of hyphen. How clever is
that, eh?) into sin and degradation. Before clothes were invented
we had world peace and frostbitten genitals. This blunder led to
the death of all naked people and the creation (by whatever means
you believe: I'm not here to judge; some of my best friends have
sex with Creationists) of non-naked people. We now have world
war, in one sense or another, and warm genitals. Mankind is
fundamentally selfish; I am not, hence I am naked. I hope that
answers your question. (Of course the real reason I don't wear
clothes is that it tends to eliminate the awkward flirting stage
of a relationship. With nakedness you can move straight on to the
bitterness and the break-up).
Someone
else wrote to me in Latin. I think he wanted me to send him some
of my socks. (Just a little joke for all of you that speak Latin.
For those of you that don't, here's a joke you probably won't
get, but will no doubt be offended by anyway. "I hear Salman
Rushdie has a new book out. It's called 'Oi Buddha, You Fat
Fuck'." Moving with the times, eh? Rockin n Rollin, Ducking
and Weaving, Sucking and Bobbing). I got very wet yesterday, and
it was only with hours of thinking up that Latin joke that I was
able to dry out. Bet you didn't know that did you?
brb,
i need a shit
New topic: Am I
right in believing that there is a huge baseball pitcher (6'10 or
so) called Randy Johnson? Do you American folks make lots of fun
of him and his balls? Only in America, eh? Mr. and Mrs. Johnson:
"What shall we call our little Johnson?" "How
about Randy?" "No, I quite like the name
Bigthrobbingpurpleveined. It's Dutch, y'know." Of course I
may have been the victim of a cruel and vicious hoax and baseball
may not even exist. (Y' gotta cater sometimes. Or is that
canter?)
Old topic: Many
people complain about my on-screen nudity. They say it's
extraneous to the plot. They say I'm ugly and fat. They say I
shouldn't even be on the set. They call for Security, ...Security
please. I've heard it all, but without my on-screen nudity, would
Titanic have been half the film it was? My rosy butt-cheeks
brought out the performance of a lifetime from one-time crack
whore Leonardo DiCaprio. My pert nipples made that ship go down
much more hydroponically.
The delirium of my
illness is taking hold. Very soon I'll be making sense.