Dear
[Insert the name of the agony aunt or uncle that you don't read,
but flick through with alarming frequency on the off chance that
they talk about sex. Or reply to your question],
I
am seventeen and have never had a girlfriend... well, I did have
one once, but I don't think it's really fair to count her as
rohypnol is not viewed as a socially acceptable form of dating
anymore, is it? My problem is that I have nothing to offer women.
I hear from you and your ilk all the time that all women want is
good personality and a sense of humour. I have neither of these.
I am about as interesting as a three-tongued sloth, and my sense
of humour is not much better. I'll walk up to a woman, and not
have anything of interest to say to her at all. It's not a matter
of being shy; it's just that I am so dull that I can't think of
any puns to make her fall in love with me. Speaking of which, I
understand from reading certain magazines that there are some
guys who don't even rely on puns to show a woman that they have a
sense of humour. I didn't believe a word of it, but a passing
acquaintance of mine told me that it is indeed true. Can you tell
me if this is so? Surely that would just scare a woman?
I
am incredibly gorgeous and have a huge fat cock, but that's not
what women want is it? They'll come up to me and after about a
minute of me not saying anything, because I am as dull as a
thoroughly rinsed used condom, they'll say "You're
incredibly gorgeous, and even though you're not erect, I can see
that you have a huge fat cock - in fact one of the biggest ones
I've ever seen - but the fact remains that you have no
personality and no sense of humour. If only you could inspire
some sort of emotion within me, I'd grab you, strip you naked,
and sit on your face and wriggle, but I can't feel anything for
you as you are dull and unfunny." They all say exactly the
same thing, which struck me as weird. It's as if they are reading
from a script, it's all some giant joke, and the whole world is
in on it and I'm not. It's just not fair. Sometimes I think of
ending it all. Why can't people love me for my body, and not be
so obsessed with my, admittedly dull, mind?
So
desperate was I for love that I tried dabbling in homosexuality.
I figured that if only 10% of the population were gay that they
must have lower standards with less to choose from. And in many
cases that was true, but apparently not low enough for me to be
included. Not one nibble. Not a damn thing. Fuckers. Eventually I
took to wearing a t-shirt that said "I am incredibly dull
and couldn't make you laugh even if I could cause my eyeballs to
pop at will. I'm looking for love, or at least someone who will
pretend to love me. As you can see I'm incredibly beautiful, and
I have a huge cock - it's so big that I have a bruise on my knees
where it slaps into them when I run. If you can help me in
any way, please come and talk to me." There was so much to
fit on the t-shirt that it looked like an ill-fitting dress when
I wore it. No-one walked up to me. I have nothing to offer
anyone. Why is this? I followed all the advice: I phoned the
Lesbian And Gay Hotline, I visited the Brook Advisory Clinic, I
talked to my parents or an adult I trust, and I even read your
book Living With A Willy (£3.99), but none of these can offer me
anything. I feel all alone. What's the answer? Tell me how to
live my life.
Many
thanks,
Cyril
(or should I be anonymous? If so call me ummm... Cyril. Reverse
psychology an' all that).