You may recall, way back in the day, I advocated the use of self-thought over religions, cults and all that jazz. I even used that peksy reverse psychology thing on you; so while this may well appear to you as rehashing old shit that's been said before, you'd be wrong. It's a brand new way of looking at things, without no pesky undercurrents designed to drown you like a dog. It's new. I come to you, cap in hand (it ain't mine - je suis un guy - I just found it on the ground, unused I think, but don't quote me on that), asking for your forgiveness. I was wrong. Worship pumpkins (yes, it stems from oh my gawd, but I think you'll find it's better even than that. It was either that or Jerome K Jerome's Three Men And A Baby. You've stopped complaining now, eh?) Dude, I made someone cry (good or bad, I dunno), so why do I need bother doing all that deep shit? I'm gonna be as shallow as I wanna be today and talk about devoting your life to a belief system.
Worship pumpkins. (First rule at cult school: keep repeating the premise of your cult. Inculcation is your friend; use it). People need someone or something to look up to. People are too scared to make their own decisions. Then want you to think for them. They love it. Worship pumpkins. They can be looked up to, literally if you put them on a very high pedestal in the middle of a no-fly zone, and figuratively if you make people realise how worthless their lives are in comparison to pumpkins. Do you know how hard it is to peel a pumpkin? In my limited experience, it's one of the hardest vegetables to peel. Yes, granted, the easier option is to cut it in half and scoop out its innards, but have a little respect, please. Anyway fallibility in deities is paramount for the longevity of doctrines: it creates the semblance of free will; with the ability to question deities, people are kept in check. Far easier to control people who think they think than those who don't. Trust me on this. Or think about it for yourself. Either will do. And peeling difficulty is a relevant facet to the charisma, hit points, strength, list? Ummm... dunno. Could be. You'd be looking pretty stupid if it weren't, wouldn't you? Is a little blind faith too much to ask?
My recent megalomania (see packs for details) is, in all honesty, the real reason for getting folks to worship the pumpkin. I've decided that undeserved power and control over people mentally and physically weaker than me is something worth attaining. It may well play havoc with my taxes, but I'm willing to make sacrifices, y'know, for the people. We all know that one day someone's going to attack our esteemed pumpkin with a knife, and his seeds will be spilled on the cold, earthy ground (and then sprayed with chemicals to prevent further generations of deities). I am just a number. 2. The one after the pumpkin. In fact we may well - after I've discussed it with the pumpkin - change numbers, so it goes pumpkin, me, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. The pumpkin concurs. Count properly bitches. When the pumpkin is sliced up, the numbers can stay pumpkin, me, three: it makes it look like I'm not the one making the rules, I'm safe from disparaging gazes. I want all the power and stuff, but more importantly I want to be loved by everyone.
Those are the rules so far. It's an ethos. Count this way, worship the pumpkin. It's easy to remember. It makes no unfulfilled/able promises, it makes no unreasonable demands. As I see it, the only flaw is changing the CD booklets in ...And Justice For All by Metallica from One to pumpkin (none of that pesky God/god capitalisation here; yours is a humble pumpkin). The pumpkin says he's willing to take people's word that they'll do the changing of the CDs themselves. I think he's being too nice to y'all; I'd have you all put to death and new copies printed up, but I guess he's the one in charge.