Fattest person in the room picks a CD from the collection. The person diametrically opposed to him ideologically picks four songs from this CD and the fattest person must jump like a Masai warrior for the duration of these songs. If you are willing to wait for the medical reports then stress fractures of the knees can accrue extra points for their owners. Cruciate ligament damage is seen as taking this extra point thing a little too far for what is, after all, only a game; anyone found rupturing their cruciate ligament during the course of round one will be disqualified, although they will be made to take part in the subsequent rounds to boost team spirit and teach them that cheaters will be caught and punished. The next fattest person then picks a CD (minus, of course, the early 80s punk album with the one minute songs that the fat guy picked), their moral rival picks four songs, they jump, bonus points if necessary, and so on. Finally you're left with an anorexic waif jumping through two and a half hours of some concept album with a picture of a box of matches on the cover. Points scored vary from game to game as they are reliant on atmospheric pressure. Use your own judgement.
Round two, and at this point people must pair off using repressed sexual desire as the primary criterion, with incisor length as the decider in the event of a tie. (Anyone suffering from cruciate ligament damage must pair off with others in a similar situation. If there are an odd number of cripples, then just shatter the spine of the ugliest person). Half the competitors line up against one wall, and their partners line up on the wall opposite. Tear gas is pumped into the room, and on the first sneeze everyone runs towards the centre of the room, and directly into their partner. The distances fallen are measured and points awarded accordingly - decide for yourself whether it's better to fall a long way or not. Anyone falling further back than three metres is disqualified, as is anyone who is screaming in pain at being made to run. Also the youngest and oldest people taking part are disqualified because life's unfair. People disqualified at this stage are no longer wanted in the game: they're bumming everyone out, and so must be pierced and removed from the room. Bonus points can be awarded to the person who can get the most pierced parts of disqualified players attached to a single keyring and drag them out of the room, although this has been known to cause a certain amount of ill will in the past, and has been dropped from our partays to prevent tears (arf).
All partnerships are dissolved and it's every man for himself, with the women working as an angry pre-menstrual group to ensure that one of their own win. Any woman found to be bleeding already is sliced from ear to ear and left to bubble and bleed to death in the corner. Everyone is given a straw and their own little section of floor. On the word 'go' - which can only be uttered after the cheating bastards have started - everyone must suck up as much dirt, dust and miscellaneous detritus that they can from their section. This may be stored in either the mouth or lungs, provided that it can be produced for weighing after five minutes of sucking. Smoking-induced blood clots and bile are like silver credits on the Crystal Maze, so tactically you may well find it best to store it in your mouth. The points from every round are counted up and the person with most points gets to count while all the others go off and hide.