The great state of Texas has come up with a way to cover the costs of prison overcrowding without raising taxes. There are currently no plans to extend it to other states.
Members of the public pay for the right to throw tins of peaches at prisoners. (For the record it was tins of peaches before I came up with the terrible title). $100 for three tins. The prisoner has his or her hands cuffed behind their back, and are sat on the floor. They are allowed to dodge their head and body from side to side, but must remain seated at all times. There are no prizes on offer, just the satisfaction of a mushy crunch. Killing the prisoners is right out of the question. Anyone who kills a prisoner by throwing a tin of peaches at them is immediately executed by lethal injection.
Severity of crime is proportional to distance from the thrower. Someone convicted of stealing a tin of peaches might be placed two hundred metres away from the thrower. Their lawyer, who was unable to prevent a custodial sentence for such a small crime, will be situated right in front of them so he gets what's coming to him. Someone convicted of the rape and murder of a fluffy little kitten will find themselves considerably closer. If the thrower wishes to reduce this distance, they may pay extra. The exact price to move closer is dependent on the initial distance: it will cost a similar amount to move one hundred metres closer to the lawyer and peach-stealer as it will to move fifty centimetres closer to the kitten-raper and splitter.
It is stressed that this is in no way intended to be a way for members of the public to seek revenge. It would, however, be a clear infringement of people's human rights not to let them throw tins of peaches at whomever they wanted. To prevent people throwing tins of peaches at prisoners for revenge, rather than just because it's fun, anyone who has any prior relationship with their prisoner of choice will be forced to pay $5,000 for three tins. It will dissuade some, and more importantly, others will pay that much.
There have been the expected protests from liberal do-gooders who have nothing better to do. Uncharacteristically, Texas has shown weakness and agreed to their demand: all tins of peaches will be donated to the homeless after they've been used.
The scheme hasn't attracted as many throwers as initially expected. The advertising campaign shoulders much of the blame for this, particularly its lacklustre slogan: "Pay lots of money to throw tins of peaches at prisoners so that we can build more prisons and you won't have to pay higher taxes." Not catchy enough. A rebranding campaign is being formulated, for launch within a month. The prisoners of Texas won't (ahem) know what hit them. (Although clearly they will know what hit them, because it's only tins of peaches being thrown. We'll have to wish for brain damage so they actually won't know what hit them, and everyone can make the easy joke).