There are times - we all have them - where I feel bored and play with my penis. We've tried all the different games, but the ones that she's most adept at are board games. Word games, anything that requires thought, they're right out of the question; card games... well, I'll explain the intricacies of holding cards with a penis later, but after trying it once, it becomes very much not an option. We tried that trust game once, and whilst I caught her without any problem, when it came time for her to catch me I wasn't able to turn my back on her (despite my protestations otherwise, I wonder if I really do fear homosexuality? Gosh, I hope not or some of my best friends - who just so happen to be gay; I think some of them might be black and disabled too - might use it as an opportunity to prey on my fears and get me to get them a glass of water when all I want to do is sit down). I also knew her slight frame wouldn't be able to catch my greater weight. Still, I'd rather be the person in pain whose trust was betrayed than the person who couldn't trust. She prevented a broken nose for me, but that's about it. She couldn't think of any other types of games, and I wasn't going to think of any as I was becoming increasingly irritated that I was doing all the thinking, so I was doing that whole nose cutting, face spiting stuff, just a bit lower down.

When playing a board game with penises, it's only my own dear penis that I'd let throw the dice. I know my genital hygiene; I know there's no smeggy build up likely to accumulate on the dice (I'll pretend it's a game with two dice; I don't want penis and die to be in the same sentence unless it's absolutely necessary) and alter the randomness of the roll. I won't play with weighted dice...

Quick interruption to allow the world's search engines to be a better place. The chase music in the mall played by Beethoven in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is called Play With Me by Extreme, but more importantly, the little classical snatch [insert obvious joke if you are so inclined] at the beginning is Rondo alla Turca by Mozart.

...with my penis or anyone; I may be 100% completely non-competitive, but I do insist on absolute fairness so I can beat my competitors just by being naturally better than them. I can hear you slavering for details of how to roll dice with a penis. I'll permit a modicum of slavering - you are human after all - this is, however, socially important reportage, so we'll just put a stop to the squeals, the gasps, and the inexplicable low rumblings right now or I'll have to ask you to leave the room.

Foreskins are wonderfully elastic; I hear tell that a king of England once hid inside one when fleeing nasty people with guns. If dice are inserted underneath the foreskin they will be ejected with a spinning motion. Naturally the roll doesn't count if they end up on the floor - and then there's the awful problem of dust and grit; try explaining that to the on call surgeon - so my penis tends to aim towards the box, bounce the dice off and hope they come to a standstill before dropping off the other side of the table.

Many board games now involve cards. At times it can feel patronising drawing the cards for my penis, reading out what's said on the card, and explaining the implications. I have found that it beats the alternative though: attempting to pick up a card in the urethra just leads to an unpleasant, slightly itchy irritation. With no opposable thumbs, the penis is also dependant on you for the initial insertion; it just becomes less painful for all parties to do it for her. Let her roll the dice, but keep her away from the cards; it also makes for one less thing to wipe clean at the end.

I always keep a ouija board close to hand which is close to penis, for when she needs to make a decision. The penis places herself in the middle of the board, and as if controlled by the devil, points to the appropriate letters, spelling out her choice. Many people refuse to go near a ouija board because their best friend was beaten to death using one, equally many deny that ouija boards have any sort of power. I have seen them work, although there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that it's my hand moving the penis, albeit subconsciously, rather than the penis moving of its own volition. Similarly, when moving the counters around the board, as much of the responsibility is with me swaying back and forth to create a pendulum motion for the penis as there is with her to hit the counter with the required force to move it around the board. All things considered, it may be that I'm playing more with myself than with my penis.