In
an announcement today, 'singer' and large-breasted woman, Britney
Spears announced to the world that she had 'No Talent'. It came
as little shock to anyone who had watched her videos without the
sound down and cock in hand; nonetheless there were gasps of
surprise and sexual release as Ms. Spears (too young for you, you
pervert) read her statement at a specially arranged press
conference. The statement was as follows:
"Umm...
hi everyone. Look at my breasts. In response to rank speculation
in some of the better facets of the media worldwide I just want
to confirm to you all that I do, in fact, have No Talent. The
doctors aren't entirely sure where I contracted it from, but I
have my own ideas: my mother was kidnapped and gangbanged by the
Osmonds nine months before I was born. Whether I actually am an
Osmond or not, is not for me to say, but the kind of mental
trauma that my poor dead mother must have gone through whilst
pregnant, in my opinion, would be enough to infect me with No
Talent. I fully intend to beat this disease. I intend to continue
singing until I can no longer sing [...]. I have been put on the
triple-cocktail LSD and the doctors say the signs are hopeful.
And I still have my breasts. If I could just sing to you before
you all leave... Aw shit, they left. Okay breasts, it's just you
and me. What do you want to do today?"
Ms.
Spears decision to continue singing whilst infected has received
equal measures of praise and consternation.The people praising
her decision are ignorant fuck-heads. On the other side of the
table is leading expert in No Talent, Dr. Ruptured Hymen. Dr.
Hymen's pioneering rehabilitation work with New Kids On The Block
has seen them become fully functional members of society, now
perfectly able to offer "fries with that". She has this
to say of Ms. Spears statement:
"I
am shocked and disgusted by the actions of this jiggly little
whore. For years I have been trying to instil in the young people
of America the idea of safe singing, and with one fell swoop this
cocksucking slut (I have a movie of about five guys wanking all
over her face if you want to see it) has come out with her
ludicrous statement that she intends to continue singing and
infect us all. Do you have any idea what the consequences will be
if we allow this scatmunching goatfucker (I haven't seen a copy
of that movie yet, but I am assured it exists) to continue to
sing? Music will die. Cities will crumble. Cockroaches will be
the only survivors other than her 'real' breasts. Bitch."
A close friend of
Ms. Spears later said "Jesus may have died for our sins, but
there are times when I think it isn't going to be enough."