Coke
gets a bum rap. For as long as I can remember, all I've heard was
"Coke rots your teeth, coke rots your teeth, coke rots your
teeth," never Pepsi, always "Coke rots your teeth, coke
rots your teeth". Leaving aside the question of exactly
which psychiatric disorder it is that leaves me only hearing
these four words over and over again, every fucking second of my
fucking life, you have to wonder who first started picking on
coke. Vinegar does a similar thing: you leave a bone in a glass
of vinegar, and you'll know what a day is, yet no one ever ever
says "Vinegar'll rot your teeth." Someone out there
hates Coke, and is spreading scurrilous rumours, and I know who
it is. Think about where you first heard that Coke rots your
teeth. Who first showed you a tooth left in a glass of coke?
Exactly. Primary school teachers. You might get a couple of
uppity infant school teachers who take time out from stifling
creativity to scare children about healthy, natural liquid sugar
and caffeine, but mainly it's the primary school teachers who
spread their evil curse. You don't hear them lambasting carrots
do you? And you know why? Because carrots aren't liquid, and so
things like teeth can't dissolve in them. Simple physics really.
I'm surprised you didn't get that actually. Anyhoo. If those
wacky scientists in their kraazy labs in Switzerland could find
some way to slice and mash carrots so much that they formed a
liquid (calling it 'Carrot Juice' or some other catchy title like
that), I bet that teeth would dissolve in that too. But I bet
primary school teachers wouldn't spend the next few months
tracing and contacting all their old students and setting the
record straight. Bastards.
If
I were Coke (the soft drink, not the company of the same name)
I'd sue those bastards for outrageous slurs. You don't get to be
the most recognisable brand in the world without playing with
your hardballs from time to time. Primary school teachers have no
money anyway; all that would be needed is the threat of a
lawsuit, Coke Vs. Evil Bastard Primary School Teachers Of The
World, and those evil bastard primary school teachers of the
world would run away, crying, to their [universal symbol of
primary school teachers that will bring a wry smile to all, even
those who aren't quite sure what the equivalent is in their
country's system of schooling]. Coke has all that power within
its liquid hands, and it chooses not to wave it around in
people's faces like an outrageously endowed male stripper. Can
you believe it? It's so sad.
Coke
is not only the most recognised brand in the world, it's also the
most recognised word in the world. Perhaps that's the only word
that one of you understands. Perhaps finally this is a malign
list thing that finally speaks to you. And I'm so happy I can be
of service. Welcome to the fold. Coke coke coke coke coketty coke
coke. Anyhoo, as I was saying. ...recognisable. But Coke is also,
I believe, the company that spends the most on advertising each
year. Soooo, my suggestion, Mr and Mrs. Cokehead is this: take a
year out from spending billions (or is it just million?) on
advertising Coke, see what effect it has on your sales,
competition and recognition, and put the time and money to good
use. Win back your good name from primary school teachers, and
with the other ten months of the year, why not branch out into
other markets? Televised executions, home abortion kits, and some
hitherto unheard of device for crushing dreams. Then spend all
the advertising money again the next year, re-establish your
market share, continue to keep primary school teachers running
around trying to appease you as a condition of the settlement.
Some people just don't know how to handle this power thing, do
they?