It's my thing that I don't do. One of the things I don't do - I don't do
funny anymore: I don't like being funny, I don't get any enjoyment out of
it, so I just don't do it. It's one of my things that I don't do. One thing
I do do is drink tonic water: it's l(using colons is one of the other things
I do)ike drinking lemonade if you drink it directly from the bottle, with
its fizziness and not quite water flavour, and then you stop drinking - and
I say you, but I mean I, because I started off saying I, and although I
twice said you, the latter you I rescinded, which leaves you and I to fight
it out, and I'm stronger and more willing to win this fight over tonic water
than you, so I win - and it's not lemonade, and it's a bit of a
disappointment because there's no sweet aftertaste like when you get someone
to shit in your mouth after they've been eating way too many sweet things
and their colon's been all shot out in war or a drive by, or something that
causes a colon, perhaps even the whole digestive tract, to be missing, to be
missing, oh to be missing, and whoomph, it's sugar. My little sugarshitter
dispensing sugar into my pasta sauce to take the edge off the acidic
tomatoes. That's tonic water. I do that. I don't wear pants though. I don't
do that.
America eh? America? America. America eh? They call pants trousers, and
underpants pantyhose. What's with that? America eh? Eh? Pants eh? English
pants eh? Well, I say pants, but really I mean pantyhose, which is what
English people call boxers, cos they don't make you look like a fucking
arse. Yeah, I don't do those. I don't wear underarmwear, no matter how
unfucking arsey they make me look, I don't. I just don't. I look at it like
this: (you can't see how I'm looking at it, but my eyes are somewhere
between piercing and glowering. If looks could kill, this look wouldn't
kill, and it wouldn't even hurt, in fact it's a nice, kind, pacinik kinda
look, even though it's between piercing and glowering; it's misunderstood,
it just wants to love, it craves a woman's touch, preferably around the
genital area, but it's just a look and doesn't have genitals so it wanders
horny and unfulfilled) people wear pants because they shit and piss
themselves, and drip excited juices, whether male or female, and don't want
them to taint their trousers, or drip down their legs in the case of skirts
or dresses, but women don't exist, so fuck them.
That's nice. Hi. I'm an invention. I'm an invention for people who can't
control their bodily oozings. Pleasant. I take pride that I can control my
drippings, unless I have a cold, but that tends to drip more around the nose
area, and I'm not wearing pants on my nose for anyone, because pants are for
people who piss themselves, shit themselves and get all excited but don't
get to gush or drip in the designated areas. And I can. I'm rather proud of
my continence. These people who wear pants do so in order that they may wear
the same pair of trousers two days running without having crusty bits, front
and back, chafing. I'm rather proud of my continence. I'm sufficiently proud
to say that I could, I really think I could, wear the same pair of trousers
for two days without shitting myself, without smelling like my fingers after
I've scratched my arse really well. I think I could. You might call that the
same as wearing the same pair of pants for two days running, and, well, ok,
yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, if I wore pants, I am sufficiently proud of my
continence to say that I could wear the same pair for two days (I'd wear
boxers so I didn't look like a fucking arse) but I wouldn't shit or piss
myself, and if I absolutely had to gush I'd make sure to do it in certain
designated areas.
I have pants (boxers really, so I don't look like a fucking arse). I do. A
few pairs, for special occasions, visiting dignitaries, trips into the big
city, situations where it's just a matter of politeness. I don't shit or
piss myself on these occasions, and I tend to steer clear of drinking tonic
water and being funny too, one because there are better things to order than
tonic water (I only really drink it when it's either that or water and I'm
not looking for eternal salvation - let's be honest: once you've had eternal
salvation once, you tire of it), and the other because it's one of the
things I don't do, along with wearing pants, which I don't do because I'm
more than capable of not shitting or pissing myself, and I'm rather proud of
that.