Those poor windmills, it's just so cruel. They pack them in so tightly so
they've got almost no room to turn and expect them to churn out electricity
like animals, like factory robots packed tightly together. Is it any wonder
battery wind farm windmills run out much quicker than their free-range
cousins? Is it any wonder that 97% these windmills have mental illnesses
that would result in institutionalisation and surreptitious smothering and
burying if they were human? Is it any wonder that the remaining 3% of them
hide their mental illness from the doctors in fear, and then are driven so
mad by their own thoughts and existence that they just stop attempting to
turn at all one day, just sitting there, until someone finally notices,
takes them down, puts a new windmill in their place to not lose any more
money than is necessary, then carts off our dear, sweet, catatonic windmill
and cuts it up into little bits to sell as souvenirs to parties of
schoolchildren who are too young to know any better?
We all remember the books of our childhood which took us around wind farms,
the windmills standing proud and free, their huge arms spinning in the
breeze like a plummeting aeroplane. The books introduced us to farmers who
had proper names, and weren't just figureheads for faceless corporations ().
The books showed us an admittedly romanticised version of farmerdom, but one
that offered no cruelty, one where prices were high, but if you didn't want
to starve you ponied up the moolah. Then came economics. Economics which say
that you can get more money by charging less, economics which say you can
get more money by packing your wind farm full of thousands of unhappy, less
efficient windmills, utilising random beatings to crush any complacency,
rather than a few happy, well honed windmills pumping out ethical but a
smidge more expensive electricity. It's all about money. The unholy dollar,
the unholy pound, the unholy, but slightly more holy than the others because
it brings people of different nations together in rampant cock-swinging
capitalism, euro. And then the unholy monies of countries that probably
don't exist. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not shitting on capitalism, no no
no, not for a second - if you're looking to buy stuff, there's nothing
better than capitalism - it's just that I've seen the cruelty, and as much
as it might chafe your dish to hear it, there are more important things than
money. Blowjobs for example. They're fucking fantastic, non? (For the
record, I have never accepted - nor would I ever accept - a blowjob from a
windmill. I've seen the websites, and the mess they make of your penis is
just not worth the risk).
Just because you're not a vegetarian, doesn't mean you can't insist upon
free range electricity. You won't be thought of as a kook, as long as you
wait until the majority of people are doing it before you join in. You'll
just be a compassionate soul, and chicks'll dig you like you was some big
goddamn hole and they was foxy dames with shovels and nothing better to do
than dig a hole that had already been dug. The next time a door to door
electricity salesman comes to the door, you say to him (or her, if he has
breasts and a vagina) "I'd like some of that free range electricity that we
used to take for granted. I no longer wish to support the extensive wind
farming methods that you and your colleagues have foisted upon us, the
innocent members of the public. I realise that I am but one person, and so
can't be all the innocent members of the public at once, but if Alec
Guinness can play all those parts in Kind Hearts and Coronets I can have a
go at playing all the innocent members of the public because they're all the
same, fucking proles, and I'm ten times the actor Alec Guinness was, because
I saw fit to turn down smelly Star Wars, or would have done if they'd
offered it to me. Gimme some of the free range stuff and overcharge me
accordingly."
Vegans are fucked. Fuck vegans, they're fucked. Fuckers. ...Ah, why not;
what's an extra dinky paragraph amongst friends? Vegans, here is what you
do: head down to your friendly local coal-burning power station with about
eight truckloads of tofu. Offer this in exchange for their coal, which
they'll accept out of fear. You may then take the coal away and give it a
proper burial, shed a tear or two, and then head back to releasing bees into
the wild. It's not a long term solution because the power station can dig up
more coal than you can produce tofu - especially in light of the fact that
you just bury the coal when you liberate it - but you can be sure that your
little bit of electricity is in line with your beliefs, warped as they are.
Everyone's happy. Laugh gaily, fuckers.