In light of recent events we will shortly be initiating a strict no food policy. You had your chance to be treated like diners, but you couldn't handle that could you? Ohhh no. Because of the actions of a few silly individuals all of you have to suffer; I appreciate that it's not fair on the rest of you, if you don't like it take it up with them, not me. You don't like it? No-one forces you to come eat here. There are plenty of other restaurants in this time, give them a try but you'll come crying back when you realise we're better without food than they are with.
Do you see me coming to your place of business and reporting you to the health authorities? That's just low, man. That's just plain low. So there were footprints in the butter - both human and animal, I'll admit that - but is that any excuse for what you did? What kind of person would do such a thing? What kind of person are you? You hurt me. Can't you see the hurt in my haggard face? Can't you see what you did to me? All I ever wanted was to serve food to people, and have them eat it and give me lots of money. For as long as I've been in the restaurant business my dream has been to sell people food, and finally when I was doing that, when everything was going my way, you turn up and complain.
15%? 15%?! You wouldn't know 15% if it came up and bit you on the arse. Quick maths lesson: take a zero off, then add half of that again. If you can't manage that, call me over and I'll lend you a calculator, hell, don't report me to the environmental health people and I'll work it out for you, personally like. I'll do that for you, you don't go complaining when you get rat shit in your salad, how's that for a deal? I give and I give and I give, and what do you do? You go complaining the first time something goes oh so slightly wrong. Health risk? Health risk?! Come here and say that you fucker, and I'll show you a fucking health risk. You people... you people, sometimes you just... come here you fucker, I'll show you a fucking health risk. I'll make you eat that damn salad. Twice. Fucking health risk.
Ahem. Yes. In light of this, no food will be served for the foreseeable future. You are cordially invited (not you, you fucker, unless you think you can take me on) to come and enjoy the delightful ambience, the candles, the non-alcoholic cocktails (no alcohol without a meal), prepared and vacuum packed elsewhere, pay the money, tip at 15% and leave. Before 9pm anyone caught leaving will be shot, but this is an extension of existing policy rather than anything new, as you'll know. We have music most nights, and if you phone ahead and bring a CD with you, most aural wishes can be fulfilled. No reggae. All dogs are welcome, especially guide dogs, although if we ever get the chance to serve food again you'll have to hide the dogs under the table and pretend they're not there. Oh, here, end.