In order to show solidarity with my feminist sisters, brothers, I shall
refrain from shaving, as I have been for some time. Admittedly when I first
started it was because I'm a lazy slob who couldn't be arsed to shave, but
now I'm aware of the place in history which has been thrust upon me, I
shall embrace this fundamental tenet of feminism in a wholly inappropriate
manner, trying to stick my tongue down its throat, or at least wiggle it
around in the mouth as it's not quite long enough to go all the way down
the throat, then pretend I was drunk when apologising. Feminism, despite a
hotch-potch of abortive attempts to appear otherwise, is about women's
rights not to shave their beards and moustaches.
L'histoire: It's Elizabeth Montgomery's shaving which makes her so cute,
especially when she does that thing with her nose. Would you daydream about
kissing her then inserting your penis into her face if she had a big ol'
beard tickling your balls? Course not. It's her clean-shaven cuteness which
distracts us from Bewitched's formulaic nature. If Elizabeth Montgomery
didn't shave, mention would have been made long before that the only thing
changes from episode to episode is the name of the company being
advertised. She ran late one day and didn't get a chance to shave as
closely and carefully as she'd like. Her co-star, Dick York, noticed the
stubble, realised the truth about the show and the fate of women in
general, quit in protest, and set the feminist movement rolling. Prior to
this it had been rather slow to get off the ground as it was being run by
women.
And now the time is mine. Feminism has gone off the rails for far too long,
concerning itself with rights, respect, pride and honour, whilst forgetting
to champion facial hair. Women, I am your template, open me then save me
under your own filename. Some of you will be hairier than others, that's
ok. Some of you will be less hairy than others, that's not ok. Much like
breast size and quantity of make up, facial hair dictates how much of a
woman you really are. Without much facial hair you're not much of a woman,
without much facial hair you're not much of a man either. The nascent
children's rights movement will render you not much of a child in a few
years either. If you're not hairy, you're nothing. Hairless women, please
don't make us have to explain you away. For the good of the feminist
movement, I urge you to kill yourselves.