Nick the eyeball, pull the edges apart, slide the tube in until you feel resistance. Push just a little bit to make it sting. Breathe gently into the tube. The aim is to spread infection, not to inflate the eyeball. Remove the tube, pushing it a little bit further in to make it sting more first. A dob of superglue is the best way to seal the eyeball, but if you must use needle and thread, do match the colour of the cotton. Do not repeat with the other eyeball.
Play with the wound as soon as possible. Hold the lids open and touch it with an unwashed finger. The finger need not have been anywhere more unsanitary than usual - we want accurate results. Gently pull the tacky superglue apart. It will remain sealed at the base, holding the infection in, but the wound will be opened, leaving a rough edge that will invite further touching. All scarring will, sadly, fade in time. If you want permanence, get it tattooed and die before it fades. If you can live without permanence, you need not die, nor have ink-filled needles colouring your eye.
When it itches, scratch it. Take a dirty fingernail (attached or unattached), and scratch it until it bleeds. The blood will soothe the itching like calamine. There is no chance of a scab forming as the blood will be mixed with yellow seepage. A slight crust will form after a while, but a blink and this will be pulled free. Anything solid should be dissolved on the tongue.
It will swell. Squeeze it. It will not vent satisfyingly; make do with pain adrenalin. Hold a hot cloth to it. It will not vent satisfyingly. Push a pin into it. It will not vent satisfyingly. Rub whisky into the pinhole and hope it goes down of its own accord.