It's
a mental challenge and I've never been happier than when punning.
Join me, if you will, on a journey through all fifty states of
Punmerica (that's the best one). I apologise in advance, I
apologise throughout and I apologise at the end. I cried on more
than one occasion at my weaknesses, and I fully expect you to do
likewise. Pour yourself a strong drink, lock the cat and pray.
Then read your United States Of Punmerica...
"How
did the chemist knock in the nails?"
Alabama (Whilst I don't want to denigrate any specific puns here
by posting an explanation alongside, if you email me I will
explain any you can't understand for reasons of crapness).
"Does your
wife think I've got any hope of getting more than twenty of
these?"
Alaska
"Either
you or Harry is gonna have to stop her scoring a basket."
Arizona
"Do you think
the leader of the Serbian underworld saw who shot him?"
Arkansas
"If
I caln't fax ya...?"
California
(I wanted to do a pun about a spiritual leader of Islam regarded
as a successor to Mohammed, but I also didn't want to peak too
early).
"What
can be changed by dyeing raw bread?"
Colorado
"Oh no, you're
bleeding! It may not work, but try putting this mesh over it.
Yes, that's right you..."
Connecticut
"Did
Del know? Was....?"
Delaware
(Yes I know. Sorry).
"What's
uh... that uh.. word uh... for uh.. having uh... many uh...
flowers uh...?"
Florida
"What's
uh... presidential uh... candidate uh... Bush's uh... name
uh..."
Georgia (Yes it's stagnation, yes it's apathy, but so very apt,
no?)
"I
love your inquisitive laughter."
Hawaii
"When
I was a pimp..."
Idaho
"What
be doze Jewish Beastie Boys doin?"
Illinois
"Prior
to 1957 dere were 6.25 hundredths of a rupee..." (The maths
is a little convoluted, but with such a great pun I'm sure you
can overlook that)
Indiana
"After
she paid last time..."
Iowa
"Jeez,
that boss, I can't believe the way he just..."
Kansas
"How did
Barbie's boyfriend get into her house and dress up in her clothes
while she was out?"
Kentucky
(Sorry in advance)
"Hey, have Lou and that slutty girl been introduced
yet?"
Louisiana
I
dunno. Something about lion hair?
Maine
I dunno. Something
about Walt Disney's real name being Walt Mary?
Maryland
"Hey bwoy,
should I masticate these groups o' things?" (It might
happen. Just think how witty people will think you are when you
pop up with this apt pun)
Massachusetts
"Mr.
Connery, did you hit the target?"
Michigan
"Whaddya
call a small Scottish cobbler." Minnesota "Hey, be polite; don't call me ass hippy,
call me...."
Mississippi
"What was Mrs.
Ouri called before she got married?"
Missouri
"What did Lou
do last night?"
Montana
"What's the
best way to handle the question of whether your wife has put on
weight?"
Nebraska
"Lou lied.
Anna says he..."
Nevada
"I tire of
this old pig shaving, in this new millennium, the time has come
for a..."
New
Hampshire (I don't know what it means, but the mental image keeps
me company through the cold lonely nights)
"Yes,
I knew all the Channel Islands, I knew Guernsey, I knew Sark, I
knew Alderney, I..."
New Jersey (Cut me some slack, I've got four of these fuckers to
get through)
"Yes, I knew
all the Central American countries, but best of all I..."
(Cut me some more slack)
New Mexico
"I don't like
the old York; it's too Viking-y. I prefer the..." (Yes, I
suck. I'd like to see you do better, shiteater).
New York
"Where are you
going on your holidays this year?"
North Carolina (Perhaps I should have peaked early).
"Where's
the plane stopping off?"
North Dakota
(It's post-modern and ironic. Trust me. Please. I'm really tying
up in the home stretch here, and after such a good start too).
"Greetings and
salutations to the star of Pauline Reage's so-called magnum
opus."
Ohio
"Ladies
and gentlemen, would you look at that! I don't think in all my
years of commentating I've ever seen anything like that. Some may
call it surreal, some may call it the nadir of punnosity, but
there's no denying it, a French key has just hit the baseball out
of the ballpark to win the World Series!"
Oklahoma
"And to win
the grand prize, name a herb best suited to pizza. Remember the
rules of the game state that you must drop the second to last
vowel and replace it with the last one." (Actually I'd watch
that game show. You may notice I'm tiring rapidly and just wish
that this, and life, were all over).
Oregon
"So
Mr. 'I make wind direction monitors out of wooden and lead
writing devices', what's your official job title?"
Pennsylvania
You went round
Dublin on a horse? You..."
Rhode Island
"And
where did you end up taking your holiday after the tectonic
plates moved?"
South
Carolina
"Which would
mean your plane refuelled at?"
South Dakota
"Hey mate,
want any drugs to celebrate Wimbledon fortnight? I've got tennis
hash, tennis coke, tennis acid..."
Tennessee
"Yes, we are
enlightened people. We realise that if we desire a fair and
equitable society, with - at the very least - adequate public
services, you're going to have to..."
Texas
"When you're
done I'll pain the lines on the road, so first..."
Utah
"Jeez, that's
the worst speech impediment I've ever heard. So how would you
pronounce 'sebaceous'?"
Vermont
"Hey,
let's deal 'em out. One virgin for me, one virgin ya, one virgin
for me, one virgin ya, one virgin for me, one..."
Virginia
"Well,
when going for the world laundry record you've gotta build up
slowly. I started with grams, then pounds and now I'm..."
Washington
"Hey let's
deal 'em out, based on their location. East virgin for
me,..."
West Virginia
"Before we
cross from Mexico to your fine democracy, we are hiding in safe
place, we are taking cover, ..."
Wisconsin
And
finally, number 50. You'd hope it was the best of the lot, but
it's not. "The time has come to kill you, Buck Rogers."
Wyoming
Well,
I hope you laughed with me at Wisconsin, Vermont and the two
South states. The rest sucked, I know - to be aware of one's own
fallibility is almost as important as being aware of the
fallibility of others.