During
a late night conversation late last night on porn, the issue of
Bouncy Castle Porn entered into the fray. I promised to expand on
this. *Expands on it*. *Writes in stars*. Right, now that I'm all
erect, I'll tell you my deep deep dicking thoughts on Bouncy
Castle Porn. Now, I'm no major aficionado of any kind of porn - I
have better ways to waste my time - but I am vaguely aware of the
ins and outs of this sloppy, juicy, squelchy industry. It has
come to my attention that too few porno films are based on bouncy
castles. (Y'all have those in America, right? Those big bouncy
castley things?) You could fit about ten, fifteen, people on the
bouncy castle, all jumping up and down, flopping everywhere,
poking people in the eye, y'know, just building up people's
interest. Imagine the scene, man. All those naked bodies
cavorting, leaping, giggling, squealing. Then some nubile young
thing trips and falls, and some other nubile young thing, of same
or opposite sex, depending on which way the movie is going, falls
next to her. They look into each others eyes (that's the romantic
bit), giggle, grab each other's genitals, and start fucking like
a psychiatrist and an apple in an apple-fucking contest at a
psychiatrist's convention. All the others start to pair and
triple off, start doing each other's thangs. Then you pretty much
let it go where it wants to from there, ad lib, all that stuff;
you need an air of spontaneity in pornography or it just leaves
an unpleasant scripted taste in the mouth.
The
ridges down the between each section channel away the juices, out
of harms way. People could slip and break their neck on that
stuff. The rubber of the bouncy castle makes mopping up
afterwards so much easier than those awkward beds, sofas and
backstage areas, and adds a safe fetish element to the movie. The
bounciness of the bouncy castles (they're bouncy; did you know
that?) aids staying power: just one thrust and you bounce eight,
ten, times. Thrust again and another eight bounces. No more
famous 45minute slowdown, no no no no no, these guys can maintain
their speed for hours on end. Give them concrete condoms and the
movie need only end when your run out of film. The only
noticeable downside is the huge hum of the generator. You sad
pathetic wankers (cos I don't look at porn, remember?) don't get
to hear your moans and squeals. ...Although the sad pathetic
wankers don't usually have the sound up when watching porn; it's
couples that do that. Silly me. I haven't really thought this
through. Fuck it. It's not stopped me before. The solution to
what to do with the generator hum is this: run some giant
metre-long dildo off it, get the woman who does the horses to sit
in the corner of the bouncy castle with this Dublin-esque
("Big? It was magnificent!") dildo doing her stuff.
Easy. Generator hum becomes erotic.
Umm...
so what else can we do with Bouncy Castle Porn? Think of amusing
titles for the film, but that's too much effort. Bigfoot and the
Hendersons is on TV, annoyed Beck fans are awaiting my slurs, the
Czech Republic are playing Holland this evening - even though
Paddy is suspended, at least Smicer will play, and provided Nancy
Kerrigan can get to Edwin van der Sar in time, Sander Westerveld
should whup ass too. Anyway, enough about Liverpool, Except to
say that they are the club with the most representatives at Euro
2000. So fuck all the rest of you. Sideways. With a metre-long
dildo. Whoever comes up with the best name for a porn film set in
the world of bouncy castles, gets to name this piece. Cool huh? I
bet no-one even bothers.