WANKER

I am in desperate need of an explosive and cathartic sexual release. My eyes are aching and have been for some months, out of necessity for the kind of sex that leaves me huddled wheezing and crying in the corner of my bed with only my outstretched arm touching a warm, beautiful woman, as company [sic]. My rancid tonsils (no euphemism) are reminding me of how lowly I rightly see myself: I am lucidly aware that damn near any woman to whom I can feign attraction would do. Any hand or special equipment that I don't own would not do. I need the warmth of a limber, moist screamer, and to my own great disapproval, fun-da-mentally, I don't mean on an emotional level. My emotional level has been de-existed by too many cruel heartless bastards; I pass blame.

In my usual everyday rôle of sweet, sensitive, thoughtful, contradictory, cruel enigma (she said it, not me) I would, I would, I would place love, and its antithesis thought, up at the zenith of my requests. Cleesh: My spirit has been crushed; my heart has been stomped on by a shiny, pointy shoe. End cleesh - later. Why to explain it? As I get more and more tired, as I do less and less, as I am less and less, as existence passes more and more, I find myself. After finding myself, I play with myself for some minutes. After playing with myself I feel momentary, minor, all but non-existent, Lilliputian feelings of guilt that, if my rationalised thoughts are to be believed, shouldn't exist. Again with the existence/non-existence thing... Can he be trying to tell us something which he will later fight to the hilt to have History change to fiction? (The ambiguity and dual meanings make approved-of points either way). The self I find and the self I display as me are, as you could no doubt expect, two and the different. It is this very duality of self which separates this erection-led, pseudo-morose, potentially ironic snit from others. It is, to quote - for I have not the belief in my own - ... (more punctuation anyone?) ...in all honesty, what was to be here has understandably fled its existence/my memory and taken up residence somewhere funny. I have my eye on someone. Someone keeps becoming another someone as I walk further down the street and they disappear into memory.

You understand why, don't you? Not fully correct: I don't speak like this. I wouldn't impose that upon anyone. I wander around, holding and buying books (but books are only for couples; I must remember the rules). I attempt Flirting Rule One on the Underground. I think there's supposed to be something about talking in there somewhere, but I'm meant to be a misanthrope. If someone falls in love and falls on me, allowing me to maintain my aloof, regal manner, then I can allow that. Better still, if she is willing to have me as a kept man so I can freely spend all day reading, writing, drumming and masturbating, then all she needs do is ask if I can feign attraction. I love being shallow, it's a holiday. It's who I am. Je suis shallow. (If anyone knows how to say "I am..." in Japanese, could they please email me. Many thanks). I plunge into the shallow end, shattering my neck and getting sympathy blowjobs. I shop at the gap (you'll get a capital letter when you earn the right to have one) and meet equally shallow people. Nike must sponsor evolution; it's the only reasonable explanation.

And here for the Americans, who racistly don't understand irony, is aforementioned irony: I lambast society for being shallow simply because I want to get laid.

Covering insecurity: By the way, it's all lies. Funny, huh?