Schadenfreude
is no longer the preserve of the rich and over-endowed. Thanks to
the unseemly actions of one under-ambitious Canadian customs
officer, this delightful German emotion (do Germans have
emotions? Not in my experience. Actually, come to think of it, I
only know one German. Praps they don't exist. Contact me if you
know otherwise; it's important) is available to the delightfully
grubby masses to do with as they will. Schadenfreude is now the
people's emotion.
It
all started, as most surreptitious outpourings of emotion are
wont to do, in China. Twenty four trucks packed to the brim with
schadenfreude were shipped out under cover of burgeoning dawn (a
mix-up with the paperwork) for the unsuspecting Canadian market.
These heartless Chinese emotion-dealers paid no attention to the
fact that Canadians were used to far weaker emotions than this
industrial strength schadenfreude; deaths were more than likely.
There was, of course, a diluting antidote, but who carries
gravitas with them? Well, someone obviously, cos you know it all
works out fine in the end. I guess I just suck. Sadly, I'm still
hepped up on cut-price Afghan apathy, with a perspicacity chaser
(but I think it was cut with a metaphorical sense of being a
photograph), so it'll just have to be like Columbo.
As
the ship pulled into Ottawa, (maps need to be updated. Check
local press for details) little did these hastily appointed
customs officials realise what was contained within the trucks on
board. It would be released into the atmosphere, people would
absorb it, become all schadenfreudeistic (neologism. It's
allowed), and then six to eight weeks later huge bills would
follow all the way from China, demanding money, or at least the
product returned, unused, in its original wrapping. Or it would
be if aforementioned under-ambitious customs official didn't do
something that meant all twenty four trucks of schadenfreude were
mixed with half a cup of gravitas that he was carrying around for
his wife. Two point are raised here: firstly, what did he do, and
secondly why is gravitas the natural antidote for schadenfreude.
I'll answer the second question first by saying it just is; if
you want more than that, then you're gonna have to score me some
heroin - the natural antidote to apathy. As for what he did, he
just mixed them together to the best of his abilities, because he
wasn't really a customs official, he was, in fact, a minor deity.
So there. I hope that answers all your questions.
The schadenfreude
was released into the community, albeit in a much more manageable
form, which led to an increased rate of teen suicide, but they
were just people no-one liked anyway, so it didn't really matter.
The Chinese emotion-dealers will get their money in six to eight
weeks, and are planning to invest it in developing a synthetic
form of superstrength ambivalence. And as for the minor deity?
Well, I've got a block of denouement that I'm smoking slowly
here. There's just enough for one person to share with me; first
come, first serve.